Rocky IV: Remember the Cold War?

Ding ding ding! Round four! Fight!

Of all the Rocky movies, this is the one I was most afraid of. For years, I’ve heard tales of how bad this film was. Wherever I looked, the consensus was clear: this is one of the worst movies ever made.

Surely it’s reputation is an over exaggeration. This is the internet, after all. Just look at what happened to the Last of Us Part 2. Maybe Rocky IV won’t be so bad…

Like Rocky II and III, IV opens up with a recap of the last film’s ending. Only instead of seeing the fight, we just hear the audio. Instead, we see… a boxing glove of the US flag and the USSR. They hit each other, explode (sure, why not?), and then we fade into the final fight of Rocky III, complete with ‘Eye of the Tiger’ once again.

Not even a minute in and things are already incredibly stupid. We’re gonna have fun this time, aren’t we?

They don’t just recap the fight, either. They even replay the little epilogue scene between Rocky and Creed. Just in case you missed it last time, I guess. Although considering their relationship is a big part of this story, I suppose that’s fine.

I’d certainly take that over Rocky bantering with his kid any day. I get this scene is supposed to be cute, but it just feels awkward and annoying. The scene keeps cutting between the kid’s monochrome recording of Rocky and a shot of the kid holding the actual camera, which is just him shining a flashlight directly into the viewer’s eyes. And the dialogue is just so stiff!

Anyways, it’s time for more of Rocky being happy with his family. Today, they’re celebrating Paulie’s birthday! Nothing happens and it goes on for too long. You know. The usual. Perfectly standard, normal, everyday stuff.

Until a robot slides out of the kitchen with the cake! An actual robot! With techno music and everything! Completely out of nowhere! I couldn’t believe my eyes! I had to rewind the film just to make sure my brain wasn’t playing tricks on me! What else could I do but laugh?!

Unfortunately, that laughter was about the only good thing about this opening scene. It’s slow, uneventful, and boring! Rocky’s happy family life is driving me insane! Please, God, someone make it stop!

In an effort to end my suffering, the film introduces Rocky’s next opponent: Russian boxing champion Ivan Drago, played by Dolph Lundgren. Reporters badger him with questions, then it cuts to… Creed playing in the pool with his three dogs. He’s got a CRT set up next to his pool (because that’s a smart idea) and it’s through that that we’re introduced to Ivan.

My problem with this is that Ivan never speaks in any of these interviews. His wife and coach do all the talking. Which means we the audience don’t get any insight into what kind of character he is. Say what you will about Mr. T in the last movie, at least he had personality!

But forget that! It’s time for more of Rocky, his kid, and their family robot! Because that’s why I’m watching a movie about boxing!

Cut to another interview of Drogo and his crew. The boxer himself is hooked up to all kinds of nonsensical machinery that somehow make him a better fighter. Reporters bring up rumors of him using performance-enhancing drugs, but those are brushed aside. All to demonstrate that he hits harder than the average human.

Fade transition. Creed wants to go up against Ivan in the exhibition match and he asks for Rocky’s support. But that doesn’t matter! Look! It’s the robot! And it… has a feminine voice… and Paulie calls it his… girl…

This can’t be a real movie! I refuse to believe it! It’s an elaborate prank! Even Creed is flummoxed!

In all seriousness, I do like the scene after this one. With the rest of the family gone (thank God), Rocky and Creed reminisce about the old times. Then Rocky brings up an interesting point: Creed doesn’t want to fight Ivan to beat up a Russian (despite what his Uncle Sam bit might make you think.) He’s doing it to try and reclaim some of his old glory. Rocky thinks Creed’s time in the spotlight is over and it’s time to change, while Creed insists that he wants to stay the same; that fighters like him and Rocky can’t change. It’s an interesting argument, fitting for these two characters and their shared history. Fifteen minutes in and we finally have a good scene.

With the match prepared, Rocky and Creed attend a press event with Ivan and his crew. But things quickly turn heated as the Russians injure Apollo’s pride. It would be a great way to establish our bad guy as a loathsome figure…

…if Drogo had even a single line of dialogue. But he’s as silent as the grave! They even made a joke about it!

Before the match, Rocky and Creed have another heart-to-heart. Rocky wants to postpone the match, learn more about their opponent, but Creed isn’t having it. To him, this is far more than an exhibition match. It’s… us against… them.

It was at this point that any hopes I had for this movie disappeared. This isn’t even a Rocky movie anymore. It’s a Cold War movie that just so happens to have boxing and Rocky in it.

Now, that’s not inherently bad. In fact, this setup could have been an interesting way to explore the tension of the time. We could have had a film where the American and Russian champions fight and earn each other’s respect. It could have been a story about two athletes putting their political beliefs aside and finding common ground in the sport.

Giving them the benefit of the doubt: I think that’s what the film was trying to do. But that’s not what they actually did. It feels more like, “USA good, Russia bad,” in execution.

As the referee begins the match, Ivan finally speaks his first words to Creed. At last, our villain has a chance to show some personality! Does he show respect? Talk trash? Oh boy, there are just so many possibilities! What’s he gonna say?!

“You will lose.” Flat. Robotic. Lifeless.

R I V E T I N G.

Okay, to be completely fair: I think that’s what the movie was trying to go for. Drogo is more machine than man. When he’s not in the ring, he’s usually in some kind of lab, doing experiments, hooked up to machines, taking drugs, etc. I believe the filmmakers made him a robotic character intentionally.

But come on, man! Rocky antagonists need personality! Flare! That’s what makes them fun to watch! The wrestler dude in Rocky III was stupid, sure, but at least he was entertaining!

If nothing else, is the fight exciting? Eh. A little. Creed dances around, but things quickly take a turn for the bloody. It’s a short match, with Ivan brutalizing Creed. A complete disaster.

Then Creed fucking dies! Rocky’s greatest rival, his trainer, his friend, gone! What a huge emotional gut punch! This should be a massive moment!

And it falls flat on its face.

It feels shallow, rushed, and unearned. Like they’re trying to capture the impact Mickey’s death had in the last film. But the effort just comes across as forced. It certainly doesn’t help that Rocky is wearing sunglasses. Kinda hard for a character to cry and show grief when you can’t see their eyes.

With that, the stakes and the stage are set. Rocky is set to fight Drago to avenge his rival and friend. Rocky will travel to the USSR and fight on Russian soil come Christmas Day.

*Side note: Ivan’s wife tries to argue that she doesn’t feel safe, and people are accusing her husband of being a murderer. “He’s a fighter, not a killer.” So… we’re just gonna ignore the fact that he literally killed Apollo in the ring? “My husband is doesn’t smoke crack! He’s a drug addict, not a crackhead! How dare you accuse him of these things!”

After this, Rocky and Adrian have another heart-to-heart. Only this time, she’s not trying to uplift Rocky or encourage him. She’s telling him to change, that he can’t win the fight. An understandable reaction; he barely beat Apollo before, and he just got murdered.

Oh, I’m sorry. Drogo’s a fighter, not a killer. It was Apollo’s fault that he died.

But never mind that! We need to pad out the run time! Quick! Play a montage of all of Creed’s scenes in the previous Rocky movies, interspliced with Drogo killing him! Maybe then people will be sad he’s gone!

Halfway through, however, said montage devolves into absolute nonsense! It starts showing random clips from the previous movies that have absolutely nothing to do with what’s happening! It’s blatant nostalgia bait! Oh, and did I mention that it goes on for ages?!

Anyways, next up is a scene of Paulie’s robot wife nagging him as he packs.

Which of you snuck acid into my coffee? I’m not mad, I just wanna know.

More boring family stuff happens, then Rocky sets down in Russia. He’s set up in a rickety little cabin with Paulie, Apollo’s former trainer, and two Russian secret service men (don’t worry about them, they never matter). With nothing around him but ice, snow, and a tiny village, our hero must prepare to face his new adversary.

I do like the contrast between Rocky’s training and Drogo’s. Rocky treks through the snow and across icy rivers, helping out the townsfolk where he can, training with the help of his friends and family. Meanwhile, Drogo is in a lab, surrounded by scientists, working with heavy machinery and traditional exercise equipment. One trained by nature, the other by science. It’s kinda cool, I can’t lie. As far as training montages go, this is one of the better ones in this series. Rocky even grows a beard!

Adrian shows up again out of nowhere and the two make up. She’s got his back. It might have been a heartwarming scene, if this conflict lasted more than two scenes.

*Can we talk about how Adrian left her child home alone with that god damn robot?

Forget that soap opera stuff, it’s time for training again! Y’know, the montage was cool the first time. The second? Not so much. A magician can only pull a rabbit out of a hat so many times before we figure out the trick. But I’d rather listen to cool music than awful dialogue, so I guess I’ll take it.

Finally, it’s time for the match. Rocky VS Drogo. The whole world is watching. Will it be worth the wait?

*There is one little scene I do like here. As they approach the ring, Paulie decides to have a heart-to-heart with Rocky. Afraid that Rocky might get killed, he opens up, admitting that he’s a total pain in the ass and thanking his old friend for keeping him around anyways. It’s a pretty sweet moment.

**Also, I know Drogo’s approach to the ring is supposed to be dark and menacing, but I can’t help but laugh because he kinda looks like Logan Paul.

At long last, the fight begins. And it’s… alright. A brutal slugfest with Rocky and Drogo getting bloodier by the blow. There are a few decently exciting moments and the music is as excellent as ever. But since Drogo lacks any real personality, the fight never becomes anything more than two muscly dudes punching each other.

With the match won, Rocky delivers a speech to the Russian crowd about change. It might have been a meaningful moment, but again: it falls flat on its face. The only reason Rocky is in the ring is because he couldn’t change; why’s he suddenly going on about everyone changing for the better?

Oh, I don’t care anymore. I’m just glad we’re done.

Rocky IV was a rollercoaster! This movie ranges from boring to bat-shit crazy! So many decisions in this film had me utterly baffled! I’m honestly amazed this movie ever got released!

With that said, it was at least somewhat entertaining from time to time. It’s not a good movie, nor is it an irredeemable piece of trash. This is a big pile of dumb mess that can occasionally be fun.

Do I ever want to watch it again? Oh, god no! But I’m glad I watched it once. If only for the stories I’ll get to tell.

Now, onto Rocky V. Wherein Rocky dukes it out with Paulie’s robot wife.

That’s not what happens (probably) but it should be!