X-Men: Dark Phoenix is Just… So Bad

These clowns managed to bungle up the Phoenix storyline not once, but twice. You’d think they’d have learned from their mistakes, but nope. They just went and made entirely new ones!

X-Men: Dark Phoenix is the worst kind of bad movie: the boring kind. X3 was so bafflingly awful that at least it was somewhat interesting. Hell, even Wolverine Origins had more life going for it than this! There’s just no life, no soul, nothing at all to latch onto!

And this is how the X-Men series ends. Well, except for… we’ll get to that later.

When a mission in space goes wrong, Jean Grey’s powers fly out of control. Now possessed by the Phoenix Force, she becomes a force of mass destruction. Will the X-Men be able to stop her?

Also, aliens. Aliens are in this movie. No, they don’t need to be there. No, they don’t add anything. There are just aliens now.

God damn, this movie is boring! Nothing interesting happens for the whole damn movie! It’s so dull, even when it’s trying to be cool or interesting!

The dialogue here is legitimately awful. Mystique’s line about ‘X-Women’ is legitimately bad enough to make your skin crawl. Everything else is either just as cringe-worthy or sleep inducing. Such as Jean constantly whining about how she can’t control her power and… never saying anything deeper or more interesting.

Worse are the characters. Quicksilver is unceremoniously shoved aside (we can’t even have a fun scene with him, that’s how bad this is), Mystique is unceremoniously murdered, Magneto has the exact same character arc as the last movie, Hank becomes a vengeful maniac, and Charles and the other X-Men are… there.

Don’t even get me started on the visuals. The CGI is a joke; this came out in 2019 and it looks worse than X-Men 1 from twenty years prior! Worse yet are the costumes; it legitimately looks like they asked a middle-schooler sewing club to do it, only the kids decided to phone it in! What, did they have a budget of a buck?!

There’s really nothing redeemable about this movie. It isn’t cheesy or stupid or broken. It’s dull, it’s boring, and it’s forgettable. This is not a bang. It is a whimper.

The X-Men rebooted timeline started off so strong. First Class and Days of Future Past are really good! And now we have… this. What a letdown.

And guess what, kids?

We’ve still got one more to go!