Jurassic Park 3: Life is a Nightmare

*Fun fact! This is actually the 1000th post on this blog! If I’d know that we were hitting a milestone this huge, I’d have put together something more fun and positive. But as per usual, I wasn’t thinking that far ahead! So, I hope you enjoy this review of one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen! Thanks for supporting me for all this time! You guys make it all worth it! I hope you enjoy!*

I hate this movie. I hate this movie so damn much.

There’s really no more elegant way to put that. This movie just sucks. Like, on every single level. From the writing to the visuals and the acting, it’s just so unbelievably terrible that I don’t even think I can process it. It feels as though someone took a fucking jackhammer to my brain.

Although, in all fairness: I do have to make a slight amendment to a statement I made in my Lost World review. This movie is slightly more tolerable than that abomination.

Though I’d still sooner fucking kill myself than watch either one ever again.

The story is simple. A kid gets lost on one of the Jurassic Park islands (the second one) and Alan Grant gets roped into finding him by his parents. Unfortunately, this time, they’re faced with all manner of new, unrecorded dinosaurs, including the movie’s only real selling point: a Spinosaurus.

Which looks like shit and makes no sense whatsoever but sure fine whatever.

Now, to be fair: this movie is, at the very least, cohesive. It’s a rescue and escape movie with themes of trust and family. It uses some obvious but effective chekhov’s guns, but that’s about the smartest thing about it. Nothing especially complex or unique, but it at least isn’t as mind numbing as Lost World was. It doesn’t go from ‘survival in the jungle’ to ‘dinosaurs New York’.

Unfortunately, all the characters that populate that story are the worst and I hate them. Some of them are so quickly killed that they don’t have the chance to develop. Others are so annoying that it’s impossible to like them, even after their ‘arcs’. Grant might have the worst of it; he’s only in the movie because he’s a recognizable face.

Five bucks I’ll say that come time for Jurassic World 3. If that still ends up happening. God, I hope it doesn’t.

Visually speaking, this movie is easily the worst of the trilogy. Not only does it have one of the worst/funniest green screen shots I’ve ever seen in a movie, but it also has some of the most dated CGI I’ve ever witnessed. Even the animatronics aren’t all that impressive; their movements are so stiff and lifeless that they’re very obviously just robots.

Although, in complete fairness, some of the cinematography isn’t that bad! Visually speaking, this movie can actually be pretty dynamic and interesting at times! My favorite scene has to be the Pterodactyl cage. Between the thick fog and the unique framing, it really does feel tense in a way that the rest of the movie doesn’t.

Don’t even get me started on the acting. Everyone is bad. There is no exception. Not a single actor in this movie, regardless of their age (there are far too many child actors) is doing a bad job. They all sound like robots, stoners, or drunks. But to be fair: I can’t blame them. No one could make this awful script work. You could hand this shit to fucking Morgan Freeman and he couldn’t make these lines sound good.

I hesitate to say this is the worst movie of all time. Yes, I hate it. Yes, it’s terrible in every department. But in an odd way, that makes me appreciate the few good things about it all the more. Although I’d still never in my life recommend you watch it. Nor would I ever personally view it again.

And guess what? My suffering isn’t even nearly over! I’ve still got two of these to go!!