This is the dumbest movie I’ve seen in my entire life. And not in a fun way like Blood Hunters. No, this shit just makes me feel like I’m having an aneurysm. Like my brain cells are individually dying with each passing minute.
Last week, in my Jurassic Park review, I threw some mad shade at the sequel movies. It’s something I do a lot. What I don’t do a lot is actually go in and review the things I lambast mercilessly.
So I’m gonna do just that. If for no other reason than to lambast it mercilessly! Again!
Story: A Big Pile of Mess
Am I allowed to sue for how this movie permanently damaged my brain cells? I feel like I should be able to.
Four years after the events of the first movie, Hammond calls Ian Malcolm with a request. Apparently, there was a second facility where the dinosaurs were actually made (even though we literally fucking saw them being bred in the first movie, but whatever) and now, with the labs abandoned, the dinosaurs have created their own ecosystem, which he wants to study. When Malcolm finds out that his girlfriend, Sarah Harding, is part of the team and has gone ahead of the others, he rushes to join here (and his daughter stows away with him because I hate this movie). But they’re not alone; another team has been sent to capture the dinosaurs and bring them back to civilization for Jurassic Park 2.0.
And it only gets messier from there. And dumber. Don’t believe me? You clearly haven’t seen this movie.
One of the biggest strengths of the first movie was its focus. The entire plot was focused entirely around the park and its failure. This movie? It’s trying to juggle way too much at the same time, none of which are connected in any way. It feels more like a series of bullet points than a cohesive story. The script probably looked like this!
- Inciting incident
- T-rex attack
- Try to survive
- T-rex attacks city
- Movie ends
Oh shit, hold up. They might think I stole the script. Will they get mad at me?
This movie is a big pile of mess with no real sense of progress. Characters don’t really grow or develop, none of the events have any sense of cohesion, and everything that happens is just so… stupid. That’s really the best word for it, I feel. Everything that happens is just completely brain dead!
For god’s sake, a twelve-year-old girl fucking flips around and kicks a velociraptor! Do I need more evidence?!
Presentation: *Snore*…
The first half of this movie may actually be the most boring thing I have ever seen. Thankfully, the cinematography does become a bit more interesting later. And the sets all still look great! But… Christ does this movie look bad.
Remember how the dinosaurs in the first movie looked amazing? And how they still look decent, even for CGI? Yeah, that doesn’t apply here. Whether it be an animatronic or a computer animation, all the dinosaurs in this movie look like shit. They have no real sense of presence. Whenever they’re on screen, it feels more like I’m staring at an old computer game than a real dinosaur.
As for the music… it’s strange. It doesn’t really feel like an original John Williams score. It feels more like he copy-pasted some stuff from his other movies! Seriously, the music here sounds more like Star Wars than Jurassic Park! I feel like there’s a story there that I’ll need to look into later.
Granted, it’s still John Williams. So it’s still decent. But it doesn’t feel truly unique or memorable.
Hey. At least it doesn’t make me want to die.
Performances: When Jeff Goldblum Stops Caring
Five bucks says Arliss Howard (he played Ludlow) was drunk during filming. At least in that one scene where they break out the animals. He totally was and I’ll fight you on that.
Now, I don’t want to be too mean. Given the material these actors were given, they didn’t do the worst job ever. But I’m also extremely hesitant to say that anyone did exceptionally well. Shocker, I know.
It just seems like everyone is either talking over each other or slurring their lines like they’re drunk! Seriously, I can’t count the number of times that characters are having two different conversations at the same time or they’re just ignoring what the other is saying and rambling on! A lot of the dialogue scenes just come across as a cacophony of noise with nothing of meaning being said.
At least, I hope nothing of meaning was being said. I couldn’t fucking tell for the life of me.
Conclusion
There are three more of these damn things. And one of them is basically a clone of this movie with Chris Pratt in it. Christ almighty, I’ve made a mistake.
Fucking hell, don’t watch this movie. It isn’t even entertaining bad! It’s just a sloppy disaster! None of it makes sense! It’s just a big pile of trash with nothing of value to digest!
And you know what’s really scary? Jurassic Park 3 is actually worse!
I wanna die…
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