Requested By Jeremy Hunt on Patreon
I know what I’m getting you for Father’s Day.
Alright. I know that I probably shouldn’t say this, given my profession. But after watching this… thing (I hesitate to call it a movie), I have to admit. I’m completely lost for words!
I’ve watched a lot of bad movies in my lifetime. I sat through the Super Mario Bros. movie, suffered through every minute of Transcendence, and I still live with the nightmares induced by M. Night Shamalangadingdong’s The Last Airbender. Some, I’ve enjoyed immensely as an ironic experience! Others made me yearn for the sweet embrace of death!
So believe me when I say this. And I say this with no ad hominem. What I’m about to tell you is not an exaggeration nor is it a sarcastic quip.
Cats is the single worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life.
I wanted to leave the minute the movie started! Then, about thirty minutes in, I felt as though I had died and become a vegetable! When the credits finally rolled, I felt as though I had just been dug out of a collapsed mineshaft with my bare hands! It was the single most painful experience I’ve ever had in a movie theater!
Plot: Feline Suicide Pact
What. The. Fuck. Is. This? No seriously, what the fuck is going on? Why are all the cats just singing about their names for five minutes each?! What the fuck is a Jellicle cat?! Does that cat have magic?! WHAT’S GOING ON?!
That’s the average reaction upon viewing Cats. It’s also the thought process that has haunted me ever since I watched the movie. Honestly, I’m still not sure what happened! But I’ll try my best anyway!
Our star is… cats. There’s not really a main character. All of these cats are called Jellicle Cats, all of whom are preparing for the Jellicle Ball (okay seriously, what the actual fuck is a Jellicle?!), an annual magic ceremony… thing… where the cats compete. The prize for the winner? The right to travel to the Heaviside Layer and gain a new life.
So… you need to compete to die? Why not just jump off of a roof? Save us all the nightmare of staring at this uncanny valley shit for two hours!
Pacing wise, this movie is an absolute disaster! Rather than having a series of events that lead from one to the next and build up to the end, like a story should have, they decided to spend their precious minutes elsewhere. So, what do they fill the runtime with?
Random cats singing about their names! For way too long!
Before you ask, no. The songs aren’t good. They’re all far too long, grating, intelligible, and painful on the ears. You’ll rarely be able to make out any of the lyrics and, in the rare moments when you can understand them, you’ll wish you hadn’t. I’ll admit that I’m not super well-versed in musicals, at least outside of Disney movies, but I can still say with confidence that this is the worst musical I have ever seen!
The worst song is easily the last one. First, they repeat the same line about five or seven times, but they just keep getting louder. Second, there’s actually a lyric that goes, I shit you not, ‘A cat is not a dog’ (no fucking shit, asshole). Third, it makes no sense and it gives me a headache. Thankfully, my brain successfully managed to defend itself by permanently deleting it, and all the others, from my memory forever.
Although to be fair: it doesn’t give me nightmares like the James Corden song did. You know! The one where the James Corden cat removes his fur to reveal that he’s wearing a weird swimsuit over another layer of fur underneath his own fur! The one that looks like a movie from 1988 trying to do CGI. Which leads me to my next point!
Presentation: More Hellish Than Doom
Where do I even begin? Everything in this section is wrong, so what do I talk about first?
I guess the easy starting point would be the characters. They are just a pure nightmare to look at! For some godforsaken reason, they decided to use CGI to make the characters look like cats. Unfortunately, it looks like the cats are all the horrible love children of someone who got a little too friendly with his pets and somehow created a genetic monstrosity! They don’t even look like cats! They look more like a lazy Halloween costume!
It doesn’t help that the environments are awfully unconvincing! Sometimes they’re incredibly large, making the characters feel small like a cat should be. Others, they’re to scale, making the characters seem the same size as a human! It goes back and forth, snip snap, without even the slightest bit of consistency!
I’d talk about the movie’s music, but I already did that. It’s incomprehensible at best and insufferable at worst. They all stick in your mind, but not because they’re catchy or memorable. It’s because they all feel like someone is sticking a fucking power drill into one ear and a jack-hammer into the other!
Again, I have nothing positive to say here. Everything here is painful to look at and listen to. I’d like to say that they at least tried. From what I’ve heard, the crew behind this film. But the effort certainly doesn’t show!
Unlike this next part.
Performances: At Least They Tried
This is the part of the film I have the most praise for. But even then, it’s still not much.
Watching this film, you can tell that everyone in the cast is giving it their all. Some of them are certainly not as good as others; James Corden hasn’t been good since Doctor Who and he hasn’t broken that streak here. Taylor Swift (yes, she’s in the movie) is a decent singer, but she can’t sing for shit (also they tried to make her hot while still being a cat and that makes me wildly uncomfortable). But luckily, we’ve got plenty of great actors to pick up the weight!
How the fuck did they get Sir Ian McKellen?! Gandalf/Magneto, what the fuck are you doing?! You deserve so much more than this! This is the most painful casting ever since Sir Patrick Stewart was Poop in the Emoji Movie!
Still, while some actors are definitely better than others, I hesitate to say that anyone in this movie is genuinely awful. The script they’re working with is absolute garbage! But it’s clear that they’re trying with everything they have to make this awful material work! And god bless them for it!
Maybe he could do them a favor and get them a better gig next time.
I’ve never had an experience like Cats. Usually, I find something to enjoy in a film, no matter how bad it is. I find that one little thread of joy and cling onto it with all I have to help me get through. But that little thread didn’t exist in this movie! Everything here is wrong to the point of being painful!
Do. Not. Watch. Cats. Do not! Under any circumstances! It is not a good movie for general audiences! It is not a good ironic watch! You can’t even embrace your Furry side and jerk off to it! It’s the single worst film that I have ever seen with nothing to justify watching it! It is proof that the devils have long since left Hell and made their way here!
But hey! At least there’s an occupation in Hell. I’ve heard they’ve got some prime real-estate at this time of year. I’ll take that over a world where Cats could exist.