Rocky III: Sifting Mud to Find Gold

Hoo boy. Here we go again. Time for round three.

Before watching any of these movies, my knowledge on Rocky was limited to a few things. One: it was a series about boxing. Two: it was the cinematic underdog story. Three: everyone seemed to universally agree that every film beyond the first two were garbage. Still, I held on to hope that some of them would at least be fun bad.

Then I saw Mr. T and I got a little worried. But he’s not a bad actor per say; he was just in a lot of bad movies. Maybe there was still some hope.

The movie doesn’t get off to a bad start. After a recap of Rocky II, we’re launched straight into a montage of Rocky taking the world by storm. He knocks down heavy weight champ after heavy weight champ, all set to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor. Our boy is living large once again!

That same montage seemlessly fades into Mr. T’s character kicking ass and making a name for himself. As a framing device, it’s actually pretty solid! Rocky is the champion now, living it up in a mansion with his family, and a new up and comer is gunning for the title. It flips the script of the first two movies without so much as a word. I really like this scene.*

So why the asterisk, you ask? Because in this montage, we see Rocky filming commercials and movies, recklessly spending, and generally reveling too much in his wealth. Y’know. Like the beginning of the second movie. Wherein he learned that he wasn’t good at acting and his financial irresponsibility came back to bite him.

Possibility one: Rocky completely forgot that lesson from before and it will no longer matter. Possibility two: they’re gonna rehash that same “We’re goin’ broke!” plotline from the second movie. Either way: we’re screwed.

*It was the first one. It kind of plays into the plot later on, kind of being the operative words.

**Also, this fucking montage lasts for way too long. They play the entirety of ‘Eye of the Tiger’ twice just to fill the time.

Anyways, Mr. T throws down the gauntlet and challenges Rocky to a title match. Here, we get our first taste of his acting in this movie. And good lord, this man is hamming it up so hard he may’s well be honey glazed! But carve away that roast, and he’s basically just playing himself. If you love Mr. T, then his performance here is exactly what you’d want.

As Paulie drunkenly sways through town, he ends up in an arcade. And for some reason, he loses his shit and breaks a Rocky pinball machine. Apparently there’s some building resentment between him and his brother-in-law.

But… why? Because Rocky never gave him a job.

Riveting.

To be fair, Rocky apparently let Mickey come and live with him, but not his brother-in-law/best friend. Y’know what, I’m kinda with Paulie on this one, what the fuck, Rocky?

I do kinda like how the two settle things. Paulie tries to hit Rocky, and it goes about as well as you’d expect, though Rocky doesn’t throw a single punch. Realizing how pathetic he looks, Paulie cuts the shit and just asks for the job, and Rocky willingly gives it. I appreciate how these two go back to their roots when settling an argument as opposed to doing something ridiculous and stupid.

Does any of this matter to the actual plot?

Pfft! No! What are you, stupid?!

Anyways, now it’s time for something ridiculous and stupid. Rocky gets into a match with the world wrestling champion for charity. Because boxing and wrestling are totally the same.

*Okay, I get wrestlers have gimmicks, like the Undertaker and his ‘rise from the dead’ bit, but why’d they have to make this guy’s ‘lustful bastard surrounded by swimsuit girls’? There were children in the crowd, man! You mean this is the world champion? No wonder everyone was booing him!

If nothing else, the fight itself is fun to watch. Seeing a psychotic over-exaggerated WWF stereotype toss Rocky around and beat up Paulie is a good bit of mindless entertainment. It’s dumb fun, sure, but fun is fun.

But in all the chaos, Mickey is having some heart problems. Oh no! I sure hope nothing bad happens.

*Foreshadow: verb, be a warning or indication of a future event.

It was around this point that a major issue emerged for me. Everything between fights in this movie is just so boring! It’s scene after scene of Rocky living the good life with his family and doing boring publicity stunts. These scenes add little to nothing to the story and go on for way too long.

Anyways, Rocky delivers a speech. Which is about the last thing this character should do, but there it is. But oh no! Mr. T shows up and ruins the ceremony! He even goes after Adrian! Gloves are off now; the two are finally going to fight!

Only Mickey doesn’t think Rocky can win. Turns out, all the title defense bouts Rocky had faced had been hand-curated by Mickey to keep him from getting beaten too badly. Now he’s civilized, with a big house, a suit, and a business. He doesn’t believe Rocky can beat Mr. T.

I know his character has a name, but come on I’ll be fucked if I can remember it.

It’s the same setup as the second movie. Rocky wants to fight again, Mick doesn’t think he can win, the two have a heart-to-heart, then they get training. The same emotional stuff near the climax off both the previous movies.

Half an hour in. There’s still an hour of movie left.

After a ‘training’ scene that’s just embarrassing, we get to the match itself. Rocky VS Mr. T, with Apollo Creed on commentary. But Mickey’s heart is acting up again. Without his coach at his back, Rocky feels lost and afraid.

You all know where this is going. Rocky loses and Mr. T becomes champion. And just to rub salt in the wound: Mickey passes away.

Not gonna lie: this scene got me. Losing Mick was bad enough, but seeing Rocky completely break down is the knock-out. Maybe I’m still riding the good will of the first movie, or it could be the great soundtrack doing the heavy lifting, but still. This is the best part of the movie.

Crushed by defeat and loss, Rocky heads back to Mick’s gym one last time as he prepares to give it all up. But he receives an unexpected guest: none other than Apollo Creed. Our former antagonist has a business offer for the Italian Stallion: he will train Rocky back into fighting shape to retake the title from Mr. T in exchange for a favor.

On paper, this is an incredible setup! A beloved mentor taken away. Two old rivals, setting their differences aside to form an uneasy alliance against a common enemy. On top of that, our hero needs to overcome the trauma of his last loss and the grief he still holds for his mentor in order to do it. It’s got all the markings of a story I’d absolutely love!

If not for a few issues.

Issue one: Paulie is needlessly racist. Sure, you can argue that’s in-character, but having him incessantly nagging and being a worry-body and just being a general douche makes what should have been a badass training sequence really annoying and frustrating. Not only that, but he takes up most of the screentime for this section! He even says, and I quote, “I’m tellin’ ya, ya can’t train him like a colored fighter!” and upon hearing that, something inside me died.

Issue two: the training itself is really boring to watch. How does Rocky evolve his fighting style under Creed’s tutelage? By bouncing back and forth, running on the beach, and… swimming. Granted, I’m no boxing expert; for all I know, this is a legitimate training method used by actual boxing champions. I am, however, well-versed in movies, and I can say that this is not entertaining.

Issue three: Adrian. Like the previous two movies. Rocky III tries to have its emotional denouement in a heart-to-heart between her and Rocky. But it just doesn’t work. The dialogue isn’t engaging, Talia Shire is clearly struggling with the script, and it lacks the emotional gut-punch that the previous attempts at this scene had. It’s not the worst scene; Sylvester Stallone manages to show discomfort, guilt, and sorrow with only his facial expressions. Still, as the emotional climax of the film, it’s lacking in impact.

Anyways, we get the classic training montage (with the same song again, because that’s not getting old at all) and it’s finally time for the rematch. Rocky VS Mr. T round two. Is it another fight for the ages?

Not really. It’s just kinda by the numbers. It never feels as savage, exhausting, and intense as fights in the prior films. You don’t have that “Fuck yeah!” moment. I can only watch Rocky overcome the odds so many times before it gets boring. Hell, Rocky isn’t even that badly bruised or bloodied by the end!

Though to be fair, I love the psychological aspect. Mr. T’s been talking trash the entire movie. It’s basically his only character trait. In this climax, Rocky turns that against him, using his own tactics to get into his head. A fitting end for this movie’s antagonist.

On a final note, let’s talk about the ending. I actually really like it! Seeing Rocky and Creed become buds and rivals is fun, wholesome, and satisfying. They’ve come to respect and admire each other, becoming friends in and out of the ring. It feels like a good note to end the trilogy on, considering their rivalry has always been what they were about.

If I’m being honest: I don’t hate Rocky III. For every scene that nearly put me to sleep, there was another that was actually alright or just dumb fun. It’s not a masterpiece or anything like that. Compared to the first film, it’s definitely a huge step down. But it wasn’t as insufferable as I had feared it would be.

Even if you can fast-forward through a good half of it without missing anything. Honestly, at this point, these should just be thirty minutes short films.

But forget about that! It’s time for the big one! I’ve heard legends about how bad Rocky IV is supposed to be. But III was a decent surprise. Maybe IV won’t be so awful after all…

…right? Right?!