The Mummy (2017) is Awful

Friendly reminder that the studio accidentally released a trailer without sound effects or music for this movie. Wanna watch the most awkward plane crash of all time? Click here. Trust me, it’s more fun than the actual movie and does a way better job explaining how terrible this production is than I could.

The 2017 Mummy reboot is a prime example of how not to do… anything, really. This is not how you reboot a beloved classic. This is not how you start a cinematic universe. This is not how you make a movie. It is truly awful and no one should watch it for any reason.

I did this so you don’t have to. I’m not a hero. Just an idiot who marathons good movie franchises until they stop being good.

The story isn’t too unlike the original. Sergeant Nick Morton discovers the tomb of an ancient Egyptian princess turned evil mummy, unwittingly setting her free to reign evil upon the world. Now she needs Nick – whom she’s made immortal – as a sacrifice to fulfill her designs. Now Nick must find a way to break the curse, defeat the mummy, and save the world.

Also Russel Crowe plays Dr. Jekyll, who runs the… supernatural Avengers.

Everything about this movie stinks of desperation. It wanted so bad to kick off the next massive cinematic universe to compete with Marvel. It tries so hard to be ‘cool’ and ‘scary’ and to sell you on the concept of the Dark Universe. But anyone who has ever tried to look that way knows that trying only reveals what you truly are: desperate.

I wouldn’t be so mean to this movie if it at least had a spark. If it had good characters that I liked going on an adventure I was interested in. But we don’t even have that. The world feels incredibly dull and uninteresting and it’s populated by even less remarkable people. No one, not a single member of our cast, has any personality or likable character traits.

God, I miss the O’Connells…

Even the titular villain is completely devoid of life! This movie’s mummy has no depth, no personality, and no energy! She’s just evil because movies need an evil bad guy for the hero to defeat. Like Marvel! See, we’re totally like Marvel guys! You like Marvel, right?

I don’t want to be too mean to the actors, because rarely is it ever a performer’s fault for a movie to fall apart. That being said, I can hardly praise their performances either. Tom Cruise feels like he was phoning it in. Russel Crowe only had boring exposition to work with. Sofia Boutella got the real short end of the stick; all she got to do was walk around in the worst looking mummy costume I’ve ever seen and try her best to look intimidating.

Oh yeah, speaking of: this movie looks terrible. The whole thing just looks flat and dark and awfully dull. The CGI doesn’t look too bad, at least not compared to the original Mummy trilogy (you know, from the early 2000s), but it already looks dated not even a decade later! Add on one of the most boring and generic scores I’ve ever heard and you get a movie that puts you to sleep!

I’m trying to think of some positive point I can praise. Some silver lining to pull on in defense of this movie. But it’s pretty clear said lining doesn’t exist. This is a boring, soulless movie that deserves to be forgotten.

Go watch the original Mummy movies with Brendan Frasier. ‘The Mummy’ and ‘The Mummy Returns’ are both still incredibly enjoyable films, with heart and soul oozing out of every scene. Even the third one was better than this! Just go watch those and have a good time!

Even still, I can’t help but imagine what the Dark Universe would have looked like. In the same way that one can’t help but imagine what two fully-populated trains crashing into each other at top speed would look like.

Anyways, that was all the Mummy movies. I don’t really have any closing remarks to make. The first two were amazing, the third was bleh, and this one sucked. Go watch the good ones.

Okay, bye.