Yes, I know I swore I’d never talk about Star Wars again, but considering that it’s the holiday season, I just couldn’t resist.
I was going to review Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse today, but that didn’t seem very Christmas-appropriate, so… I guess we’re going back to plan a. God, I really hate plan a. But I need something for the holidays, so here we go.
In between the releases of the original Star Wars and the Empire Strikes back, the world was braced with one of the worst creations in the history of art. What could I be talking about, those of you who haven’t read the title or have never heard of this before must be asking? Why, I’m referring to the Star Wars Holiday Special!
Which is about the furthest thing from Star Wars that could exist.
This television special is one of the most infamous things ever made. Not just in television, film or Star Wars. I mean as in ever.
It is completely incompetent on every level. God awful acting, a nonsensical and boring story, terrible characters, atrocious visuals and… everything else. Literally everything is a complete failure. So much so that it was never officially released and the creator of Star Wars himself said:
If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I’d track down every copy of that show and smash it. -George Lucas
Strap in kids, because we’re going to go into the deep, bloody and shark infested end. This is the single worst piece of Star Wars content ever made: the Holiday Special.
The story, while simple and short at it’s core, does feel incredibly convoluted, long and painful. Han and Chewy are on the run from the Empire, and they need to get home for Life Day (don’t bother asking what that is, it’s never explained and it’d be fucking retarded even if it did). But don’t be mistaken: Han and Chewy are not the main characters. Oh no, that role belongs to Chewy’s family: Chewy’s father, wife and son Itchy, Malla and Lumpy respectively.
The story doesn’t progress via beat-by-beat events that lead to the next. Instead, they get along by going from different shows and music tracks and whatever until it’s over. That’s right folks. This isn’t a sci-fi fantasy adventure. This is a variety show.
And it’s fucking terrible.
Each different variety scene lasts approximately two hours each (what the fuck do you mean that scene was only four minutes long?!), and each one is the most painfully boring thing you will ever experience. Each is about as far from Star Wars as you could possibly get. What are they, you ask? Well, they include in no particular order (and no, I’m not kidding for any of these):
- Malla watching a cooking show (friendly reminder that she’s a Wookie and has hair all over her fucking body)
- Itchy watching what is implied to be inter-species VR porn in his living room (as provided by Art Carney)
Again: I’m not fucking kidding.
- A musical starring Bea Arthur in the Mos Eisley Cantina
- A song by Jefferson Starship (which may be the best part simply because I kind of like Jefferson Starship)
- A circus acrobatics routine
- Lumpy watching a tutorial video on how to put a fictional device together (which is roughly ten fucking minutes long)
You think I’m joking don’t you? Oh god I wish I was joking. And it keeps going.
- A cartoon (which, fun fact, was the first appearance of Boba Fett)
- Carrie Fisher singing terribly for the finale
Do any of these sound fun to you? Do these sound like a good time? At the very least, they sound ironically enjoyable and hilarious, right? WRONG! NONE OF THIS IS FUNNY! IT’S JUST TEDIOUS, BORING AND ENDLESS!!
Now, you’re probably wondering: why talk about this? If it’s so bad, and you’ve sworn off Star Wars after the Solo review, why come back and review this? Well, simply because it’s an abnormality. When you look at it, you can’t help but be fascinated by it. With every turn, with every new boring event, you can’t help but sit back and wonder: why?
Why the hell does this exist? Why did we need a Bea Arthur musical? Why did we need to see a small Wookie child watch a tutorial video for a device that doesn’t exist? Why did his grandpa need to watch VR porn in the living room? Why, after the huge success of the first Star Wars, did they decide to make this?!
This special feels like a right of passage. Once you’ve seen this, you’ve seen it all. You have earned the right to say “I’ve watched the Star Wars Holiday Special.” This doesn’t sound like a very prestigious title, but for those who know what it is? That is the most impressive title you can have.
Don’t get me wrong though. Just because it’s fascinating doesn’t mean it’s worth watching. It’s just too long, too boring, too ugly, and too exhausting to watch. It doesn’t appeal to anyone, not Star Wars fans or movie fans in general. But it’s just too bad to be forgotten to history, especially since it came out back in the golden days of the original trilogy.
There. Now I’ve talked about the worst piece of Star Wars ever. Now I can finally move on and never talk about this series ever again.
Merry fucking Christmas, everybody.