Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is Barely a Game

Metal Gear Solid 1-3 are among the greatest games of all time. Imaginative, unforgettable, and wildly fun to play (most of the time), it’s a rock solid trilogy. One with a highly devout fan base.

Perhaps even too devout. Because they really wanted an MGS4. Problem is: Kojima and his team didn’t want to make it.

But money talks. So they did. And the result? One of the most messy, confusing, and interesting games I’ve ever played.

Well… “played” might be a stretch.

War has changed. Nanomachines have made soldiers cold and unfeeling, allowing the Patriots to turn war into a business. Ocelot, possessed by Liquid Snake, aims to turn this war economy to his advantage. The only one who can stop him: Solid Snake. But our hero is past his prime, old and dying. Can he finish his final mission, even knowing what his fate will be if it does?

This is the fanservice game. It constantly calls back to MGS 1-3. Sometimes it works. But those sometimes are few and far between. It tries to provide explanations for things that were never meant to be explained and to give endings to plot threads that were already ended.

There are a lot of things in this story that I really like. Old Snake is honestly an ingenious direction to take the character. No longer is he the badass action hero who picks up ladies. He’s a sorry old man that no one takes seriously. Yet he still sees his mission through to the bitter end simply because he believes it’s the right thing to do. That microwave hall scene is legit one of the best scenes in the whole series, and it highlights everything I love about Snake perfectly!

Plus, him and Otacon being gay dads to Sunny is just delightful.

The themes Kojima was going for were all fairly interesting. The desensitization of war, the deterioration of legacy, it goes to some unique places for a game. Unfortunately, it tackles these themes with all the grace and subtlety as a sledgehammer to the face. It isn’t delivered in an interesting way, it’s just exposited at you.

There’s so much about this story that just baffles me. And not in the fun Kojima way. Why did Campell and Rose pretend to be married? Why is Raiden a cyborg now? Why did Eva come back? Why did Otacon and Naomi bang? Why did Big Boss’s squad become the Patriots? Why is any of this happening?!

And then there’s the ending. An hour-and-a-half of cutscene after cutscene, capped off with one last exposition dump courtesy of Big Boss, who is alive for some nonsensical reason. As the conclusion of the entire Metal Gear saga, it kind of leaves something to be desired.

That being said: I am glad that Snake didn’t die at the end. Some people really don’t like that he survived, but I’m happy knowing he had a good ending. I’m sorry, but after several real-life experiences with suicide, I really don’t want to see a character I love as much as Solid Snake off himself. Better for him, Otacon, and Sunny to live happily ever after.

Plus, the final boss fight is sick. That’s how you do fanservice right.

Visually speaking, this game holds up surprisingly well! At least, once you get past that 2007 piss filter. Or the dull gray color pallet. But the models still hold up, the lighting is great, and it all runs really smoothly.

And of course: the music. Sure, the MGS theme may be lost to copyright nonsense. But the rest of the score is still really good! You even get an MP3 player so you can listen to pop music!

Man, can you imagine what that’ll be like if Volume 2 of the Master Collection brings 4 to PC? Mod in all the anime songs! MOD IN THE ORIGINAL MGS THEME!!! Give us the power!

Now, let’s talk about the game. At least, the parts where you actually get to play it.

In many ways, Metal Gear Solid 4 is a highly refined version of the Metal Gear formula. You sneak through each level, avoiding enemy soldiers and robots, until you reach the next exposition dump or boss fight. The stealth is solid, the gunplay feels amazing, and there are still plenty of goofy Easter eggs.

It even refines various mechanics from other Metal Gears. For example: the camo system from MGS3 is back with the new stealth camo suit. Gone are the menu managing days of constantly swapping camos. You can still do that if you want, or you could have it do it automatically! You can even swap out Snake’s face and finally play as Otacon or Meryl or as young Snake again!

There’s also a lot of cool new mechanics here. For one: there’s a weapon shop, so you no longer need to scrounge around for weapons. Two: there’s an ally system now. In certain levels, you can earn one side’s trust in a battle and work with them to advance in the level.

Until you can’t. That mechanic only lasts two, maybe three levels.

Oh, and you can play as Metal Gear Rex. It’s only at the end of one level, all of which is a MGS1 nostalgia trip. But it’s awesome, so… count that as a win.

Does all of that sound short-lived? That’s because it is. You don’t get to play the game enough for any of these mechanics or moments to last. It feels less like you’re playing a game and more like you’re playing a collection of Metal Gear tech demos!

So, what are you doing for most of the runtime? Watching cutscenes. But don’t worry! You get to control the camera and slide around as a little robot. That makes up for having to sit through an hour of boring exposition, right? R-right?

Even the boss fights are lame! They’re all half-baked characters who are just knock-offs of previous bosses that people actually liked. One of them literally bring Psycho Mantis back from the dead, they’re so desperate to capitalize on fan-service! None of them are fun, interesting, or memorable.

Although they each have that weird dancing Easter egg. But that’s the only real highlight.

Except, again: the finale. Brawling Ocelot as the UI and music change to reflect the previous games is the perfect way to wrap up this series. That’s how you do fan-service, not the BB unit!

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is a wild game. Unfortunately, I can’t exactly call it a good one. There’s a lot of good stuff in there, but it’s all short-lived or half-baked. It’s all bogged down by a nonsense plot and cutscenes that go on for far, far, far too long!

Man. What a depressing way for our Metal Gear retrospective to end. I’ll try to make up for it in the ranking. Despite my grievances, I still love this series! I want to give it a fond farewell, here at the end.

No, I’m not playing Portable Ops or VR Missions, go away.