The Original Mario Movie is the Most Bizarre Thing I’ve Ever Seen

How ’bout that new Mario movie, eh? I haven’t seen it yet, but I’ve heard it’s pretty good. Which I find pretty surprising, after watching every other Illumination movie. Though I guess it shouldn’t be; if they’d messed it up, Nintendo would have burned their offices down, or maybe something worse.

But let’s not forget that there was a Mario movie before this one. A non-animated, bizarre, catastrophe of a film that’s been dunked on so many times over the years that you could create an entire movie franchise around it. Understandably so. This movie is next level bad.

And I find it extremely funny.

The original Mario Bros movie does not work in any way, shape, or form. Not as a Mario movie or even as an ordinary movie. Literally everything fails on every single level. All of it was orchestrated by a pair of directors so utterly deranged it’s a miracle they weren’t locked up in an insane asylum partway through production!

When a meteor struck the earth 65 million years ago, the planet is divided into two dimensions. Many years later, plumber brothers Mario and Luigi are pulled into a multi-dimensional adventure to stop President Koopa, who kidnapped Mario’s girlfriend and archeology student Daisy. Will the two be able to save both worlds?

Yeah, this ain’t a Mario plot. Mario plots are simple and cute and fun. Plumber goes to stop giant dinosaur turtle monster and save the princess. That’s all it’s gotta be!

What did this movie give us? A weird multi-dimensional cyberpunk crime drama! Goombas are weird round-headed dinosaurs. Bowser President Koopa is just a dude with… dinosaur DNA and a bad haircut. And don’t even get me started on what they did to my boy Yoshi!

All of this is complimented by a script that is utter nonsense from start to end. It’s got it all. Bizarre dialogue that no living being would say, a plot with no coherence whatsoever, and ‘characters’ so uninteresting and unlikable that I have to put the word ‘character’ in brackets every time I use it.

Production of this movie was such a catastrophe that it nearly killed Bob Hoskins. One of the only redeeming factors, and they nearly killed him. Good job.

Visually speaking, this movie is nothing short of a nightmare. The sets are a mess, the costumes are downright gross, and all the puppets and animatronics are downright laughable. I love how old movies look, but this one ain’t it.

Yeah, this movie is a catastrophe. It’s nonsensical, it’s ugly, and it doesn’t even try respecting the source material. If you’re looking for a so-bad it’s good movie to have a few drinks and laugh at, this is the perfect pick!

Anyways, I ought to go watch the new one. Otherwise, suffering through the Illumination movies and laughing at this one was all for nothing!

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