Daily Rant, Movies, Video Games

Day 272: The Sonic the Hedgehog Movie

Oh my fucking god, I have never laughed so hard in my god damn life thanks to a single image! Seriously, take one look at this and tell me you didn’t chuckle to yourself! Just look at those fucking proportions! How can something be so disturbingly yet hilariously inept and disproportionate?!

Hilarity aside, I genuinely can’t believe this movie is going to happen. I mean, come on. Sonic the Hedgehog has one of the rockiest histories out of any character in the history of video games! Two of his games are considered to be some of the worst ever made, those being Sonic 06 and Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric. And then there’s his fan base, which… well, we all know what a good majority of them are like.

Not saying all of them are that terrible and gross. There are plenty of tolerable Sonic fans. But the majority of them definitely fill that space.

When I first heard about this movie, I could hardly believe it. But then, after the poster was released, I checked the IMDb page (link for that right here) which featured some of the most shocking casting choices I’ve ever seen. What do I mean by that, you mean? I mean that Jim god damn Carrey is going to play Doctor Robotnik and Ben Schwartz is going to play Sonic!

Then there are the creative talents aside from the actors. A screen play by Josh Miller and Sonic’s very own Yuji Naka? What the fuck is that going to look like? And how is that disproportionate mother fucker on the poster going to fit the role within that script?

What the fuck even is this and when can I see it?!

This is such a bizarre thing. After the hugely surprising Detective Pikachu took the world by storm and made everyone excited, the next thing we get from a video game movie is this? Can anyone say they were expecting that? Honestly, I didn’t expect the Sonic movie to get anywhere off of the ground. Yet here we are, having this discussion.

I feel like I’m not bringing anything meaningful to this discussion, but to be fair: neither would the Sonic movie. It really can’t win in terms of a story. It’s either a faithful story to what the games are like, such as the Sonic Adventure games or anything after that, or it tries to do it’s own thing and risk pissing off the fans. Either way, the story is bound to fall flat on it’s face.

Here’s the thing: Sonic does not work in this dark and gritty stories. Real ass human beings should not interact with Sonic the god damn Hedgehog! It’s just too jarring and uncomfortable. Do you know why the original three Sonic games and Mania worked so well? Because the story was about as basic as it could get: the mad scientist has enslaved a bunch of cute animals with robots and tried to take over the world, and you need to stop him. Simple, clean, cute and fun. That’s the only story that works in the world of Sonic the Hedgehog.

But for some reason beyond me, they try to come up with more complex stories. And spoiler alert: all of them blow. And before you say “Well, the Sonic Adventure games are good!”, no. No they aren’t, and they never were. And the stories are easily the worst part of the game. I mean, come on. The plot of Sonic Adventure 2 is that Sonic is mistaken for Shadow, who wants to blow up half of the moon and unleash a super lizard weapon on the earth. Then, after regaining his memories (oh yeah, he has amnesia by the way) he suddenly decides to be the hero instead. Meanwhile, Dr. Eggman blackmails the president of the United fucking States of America and Rouge the bat is being a secret agent and spying on Shadow. On top of that, Knuckles is looking for shards of a broken emerald and Tails is… helping Sonic, I guess.

What a great subject matter to make a movie out of.

No matter which way you slice it, this movie is going to be a joke. Even if they somehow managed to make the story good (which is about as probable as winning the lottery ten times in a row), they still have to deal with the fact that their main character looks like complete shit. Do you want to look at that for a full feature movie? Because I sure as fuck don’t.

Especially now that it’s stopped being funny.

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