Is X-Men Origins: Wolverine Really That Bad?

Yes, yes, oh my GOD yes! This movie is terrible! It’s not even the funny kind of bad, it just hurts to watch!

The Fox X-Men movies have always had an odd fixation on Wolverine. Remember when Rogue was the main character? Because they certainly don’t. It’s Logan or it’s no one.

As a result, we got not one, but three Wolverine solo movies. One of them is just okay. Another is one of, if not the, greatest comic book movie of all time. And another is one of the worst super hero movies ever produced, written by the same clown that ruined Game of Thrones.

Guess which one we’re talking about today.

After fighting in several wars over the centuries, Logan settles down in the woods with the woman he loves to enjoy a quiet life. But his former commander, Stryker, wants him back. Logan initially refuses, but when his brother, Sabertooth, murders his wife, he signs up with Stryker. But when he, too, betrays him, Logan begins a one-man crusade of revenge.

Don’t bother trying to fit this movie into the X-Men timeline. If you do, you’ll just give yourself a headache. It actively contradicts information we received in the first three X-Men movies. You’d think Wolverine and Sabertooth would have more to say to each other back in X-Men 1 if they were brothers. And don’t even get me started on ‘young’ Charles Xavier or Cyclops, who is here for… some reason.

Even ignoring the rest of the series, the plot in this movie makes no god damn sense. It has several plot twists and they’re all ridiculous. Why wouldn’t Stryker just kidnap Logan? Why would Logan’s wife (I can’t even remember her name) come up with such a convoluted and elaborate scheme with Sabertooth to betray him? Why is any of this happening?!

It certainly doesn’t help that the movie is a tedious slog with terrible characters and dialogue. This is the only time Gambit ever showed up in any of these movies, and they made him the lamest ‘suave playboy’ I’ve ever seen. Blob has no reason to be in this movie and his scene goes on forever!

And then there’s Deadpool. Holy fucking shit, this was so bad that both Deadpool movies made fun of it, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the third one did so as well. The Merc with the Mouth, and what do they do? They sew his mouth shut and give him a random arrangement of super powers. Deadpool isn’t a complicated character, how could you fuck him up this badly?!

Okay, so the writing is awful. But maybe there’s a silver lining. Maybe the movie at least looks good.

Nope. Not in the slightest.

The effects in this movie are downright awful. The CGI for Logan’s claws looks worse than the first X-Men movie. Any scene that uses green screen is on-par with a high school student project. Don’t even get me started on ‘young’ Charles Xavier.

In terms of cinematography, editing, and action direction, it’s not much better. Some scenes are downright incoherent. Others, such as the helicopter fight or the final battle, are so ridiculous that it’s impossible to take them seriously.

It’s impossible to take any of this movie seriously. Not even the actors. Hugh Jackman is giving his best, but the script is just too terrible even for him to save. Whoever cast will.i.am should have been fired. They’re all trying – to various degrees – but none of them can make this material work.

Nothing about X-Men Origins: Wolverine works. It’s a genuinely awful movie in every respect. It’s not even the fun kind of bad, where you can get drunk and laugh at it with some friends. There’s nothing redeeming about this movie!

Thankfully, the next few X-Men movies are actually pretty good. Surely it’ll all be smooth sailing from here, right?

R-right?