Best of the Beastiary, D&D

Iron Golem: Minecraft Joke

That’s a game I haven’t played in a while. Aaand I’m getting off topic in the first line. Moving on.

The Iron Golem lore is basically non-existent. They aren’t used for any one specific purpose, like the clay golem, and it doesn’t have the horror that the flesh golem does. It’s just two paragraphs of describing how big and invincible it is.

What a boring way to start us off.

Design: Iron Man Joke

Did Tony Stark build this guy?

**COMMENCING OPERATION: KILL ADVENTURERS***

I do like this design, though. It’s like a rejected Iron Man suit and I think that’s a lot of fun. It really does look like a powerful weapon crafted by a master smith and a powerful sorcerer. I certainly wouldn’t want to fight it.

That being said, it is a very simple design. There really isn’t much room for creativity in the golems, especially not the iron golem. There’s only so much you can do with ‘walking metal man’.

Why else do most of Iron Man’s suits look the same? Hell, he blew up all his creative ones in Iron Man 3!

I’d say I’m getting off topic, but since this topic is done, I guess I’ll just move on to the next one.

Stats: The Juggernaut

This is definitely the most durable of the lot. It’s AC scratches 20 and its HP is just over 200. Combine that with its long list of immunities (fire, poison, psychic, nonmagical/non-adamantine melee, and most conditions) and you’ve got a beast that will take a while to kill. Even longer if you hit it with fire, as it will absorb it and use that to heal. Also, you can’t change its form, so no polymorph. And it’s resistant to magic.

It really is an Iron Man suit…

In terms of actions, it’s fairly simple. It can hit you with two melee attacks, either slamming into you or slashing at you with its sword. Both do fairly high damage but don’t have any interesting effects tied to them.

Most deadly is its poison breath. This does exactly what you’d expect. Make a saving throw. If you fail, take full damage, half on success. And the damage you take is certainly high. But again: no interesting effects. No conditions, no weird bullshit that makes your dick smaller, nothing like that. Just numbers.

While all of that can make for a hard and long boss fight, it doesn’t necessarily make for an interesting one. It’s just a bulky bastard that hits really hard. Not exactly the most compelling opponent to face.

Placement

This isn’t a particularly interesting monster. It’s lore is weak, it’s design is fun but unmemorable, and its stats are simple and uninteresting. All in all, a very forgettable entry.

With all that in mind, let’s put the Iron Golem on the Best of the Bestiary!

  1. Beholder
  2. Death Tyrant
  3. Dragon Turtle
  4. Green Dragons
  5. Red Dragons
  6. Blue Dragons
  7. Black Dragons
  8. White Dragons
  9. Silver Dragons
  10. Couatl
  11. Behir
  12. Aboleth
  13. Bronze Dragons
  14. Brass Dragons
  15. Copper Dragons
  16. Gold Dragons
  17. Chuul
  18. Gibbering Mouther
  19. Chimera
  20. Death Knight
  21. Fomorian
  22. Bone Devil
  23. Dracolich
  24. Faerie Dragon
  25. Ankheg
  26. Storm Giant
  27. Hill Giant
  28. Empyrean
  29. Efreeti
  30. Dao
  31. Cloud Giant
  32. Drow (all four of ’em)
  33. Shadow Demon
  34. Marilith
  35. Drider
  36. Aarackockra
  37. Azer
  38. Demilich
  39. Spectator
  40. Marid
  41. Cambion
  42. Fire Giant
  43. Animated Armor
  44. Banshee
  45. Basilisk
  46. Yochlol
  47. Bulette
  48. Cloaker
  49. Darkmantle
  50. Doppelganger
  51. Ghoul and Ghast
  52. Ettin
  53. Pit Fiend
  54. Erinyes
  55. Chain Devil
  56. Bearded Devil
  57. Barbed Devil
  58. Spined Devil
  59. Ice Devil
  60. Djinni
  61. Nalfeshnee
  62. Glabrezu
  63. Chasme
  64. Barlgura
  65. Horned Devil
  66. Balor
  67. Shadow Dragon
  68. Vrock
  69. Dretch
  70. Gnolls (all three)
  71. Goristro
  72. Hezrou
  73. Manes
  74. Frost Giant
  75. Duergar
  76. Quasit
  77. Dryad
  78. Flumph
  79. Goblin
  80. Githyanki
  81. Planetar
  82. Imp
  83. Clay Golem
  84. Flameskull
  85. Displacer Beast
  86. Carrion Crawler
  87. Githzerai
  88. Rug of Smothering
  89. Bugbear Chief
  90. Bugbear
  91. Flesh Golem
  92. Vine Blight
  93. Twig Blight
  94. Needle Blight
  95. Bullywug
  96. Ettercap
  97. Gas Spore
  98. Cockatrice
  99. Lemure
  100. Solar
  101. Deva
  102. Cyclops
  103. Centaur
  104. Ghost
  105. Fire Elemental
  106. Water Elemental
  107. Air Elemental
  108. Stone Giant
  109. Deep Gnome
  110. Dinosaurs (All six of them)
  111. Iron Golem <—————–
  112. Earth Elemental
  113. Galeb Duhr
  114. Flying Sword
  115. Crawling Claw
  116. Violet Fungus
  117. Shrieker
  118. Gargoyle

1 thought on “Iron Golem: Minecraft Joke”

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