Iron Golem: Minecraft Joke

That’s a game I haven’t played in a while. Aaand I’m getting off topic in the first line. Moving on.

The Iron Golem lore is basically non-existent. They aren’t used for any one specific purpose, like the clay golem, and it doesn’t have the horror that the flesh golem does. It’s just two paragraphs of describing how big and invincible it is.

What a boring way to start us off.

Design: Iron Man Joke

Did Tony Stark build this guy?

I do like this design, though. It’s like a rejected Iron Man suit and I think that’s a lot of fun. It really does look like a powerful weapon crafted by a master smith and a powerful sorcerer. I certainly wouldn’t want to fight it.

That being said, it is a very simple design. There really isn’t much room for creativity in the golems, especially not the iron golem. There’s only so much you can do with ‘walking metal man’.

Why else do most of Iron Man’s suits look the same? Hell, he blew up all his creative ones in Iron Man 3!

I’d say I’m getting off topic, but since this topic is done, I guess I’ll just move on to the next one.

Stats: The Juggernaut

This is definitely the most durable of the lot. It’s AC scratches 20 and its HP is just over 200. Combine that with its long list of immunities (fire, poison, psychic, nonmagical/non-adamantine melee, and most conditions) and you’ve got a beast that will take a while to kill. Even longer if you hit it with fire, as it will absorb it and use that to heal. Also, you can’t change its form, so no polymorph. And it’s resistant to magic.

It really is an Iron Man suit…

In terms of actions, it’s fairly simple. It can hit you with two melee attacks, either slamming into you or slashing at you with its sword. Both do fairly high damage but don’t have any interesting effects tied to them.

Most deadly is its poison breath. This does exactly what you’d expect. Make a saving throw. If you fail, take full damage, half on success. And the damage you take is certainly high. But again: no interesting effects. No conditions, no weird bullshit that makes your dick smaller, nothing like that. Just numbers.

While all of that can make for a hard and long boss fight, it doesn’t necessarily make for an interesting one. It’s just a bulky bastard that hits really hard. Not exactly the most compelling opponent to face.

Placement

This isn’t a particularly interesting monster. It’s lore is weak, it’s design is fun but unmemorable, and its stats are simple and uninteresting. All in all, a very forgettable entry.

With all that in mind, let’s put the Iron Golem on the Best of the Bestiary!

1. Beholder
2. Death Tyrant
3. Dragon Turtle
4. Green Dragons
5. Red Dragons
6. Blue Dragons
7. Black Dragons
8. White Dragons
9. Silver Dragons
10. Couatl
11. Behir
12. Aboleth
13. Bronze Dragons
14. Brass Dragons
15. Copper Dragons
16. Gold Dragons
17. Chuul
18. Gibbering Mouther
19. Chimera
20. Death Knight
21. Fomorian
22. Bone Devil
23. Dracolich
24. Faerie Dragon
25. Ankheg
26. Storm Giant
27. Hill Giant
28. Empyrean
29. Efreeti
30. Dao
31. Cloud Giant
32. Drow (all four of ’em)
33. Shadow Demon
34. Marilith
35. Drider
36. Aarackockra
37. Azer
38. Demilich
39. Spectator
40. Marid
41. Cambion
42. Fire Giant
43. Animated Armor
44. Banshee
45. Basilisk
46. Yochlol
47. Bulette
48. Cloaker
49. Darkmantle
50. Doppelganger
51. Ghoul and Ghast
52. Ettin
53. Pit Fiend
54. Erinyes
55. Chain Devil
56. Bearded Devil
57. Barbed Devil
58. Spined Devil
59. Ice Devil
60. Djinni
61. Nalfeshnee
62. Glabrezu
63. Chasme
64. Barlgura
65. Horned Devil
66. Balor
67. Shadow Dragon
68. Vrock
69. Dretch
70. Gnolls (all three)
71. Goristro
72. Hezrou
73. Manes
74. Frost Giant
75. Duergar
76. Quasit
77. Dryad
78. Flumph
79. Goblin
80. Githyanki
81. Planetar
82. Imp
83. Clay Golem
84. Flameskull
85. Displacer Beast
86. Carrion Crawler
87. Githzerai
88. Rug of Smothering
89. Bugbear Chief
90. Bugbear
91. Flesh Golem
92. Vine Blight
93. Twig Blight
94. Needle Blight
95. Bullywug
96. Ettercap
97. Gas Spore
98. Cockatrice
99. Lemure
100. Solar
101. Deva
102. Cyclops
103. Centaur
104. Ghost
105. Fire Elemental
106. Water Elemental
107. Air Elemental
108. Stone Giant
109. Deep Gnome
110. Dinosaurs (All six of them)
111. Iron Golem <—————–
112. Earth Elemental
113. Galeb Duhr
114. Flying Sword
115. Crawling Claw
116. Violet Fungus
117. Shrieker
118. Gargoyle