Flesh Golem: Ewwwwww…

Two of my gravediggers were caught and hanged yesterday. The other two are understandably reluctant to meet a similar fate, but I shan’t let their concerns stall my progress. I need fresh corpses, and if those bumpkins can’t get them for me, I’ll use theirs instead.

From the diary of Evangeliza Lavain, Necromancer

I am just going to destroy this article with Resident Evil jokes. Because that’s basically what this guy is!

Flesh golems are grisly creations, their bodies made of different parts stitched together from corpses. Its very strong, but its brain is only capable of thought on a level with a small child. Lightning invigorates them, giving them even further strength. And their flesh, despite being taken from rotting bodies, is extremely durable.

Much like the clay golem, a spirit is implanted into the body to give it life. Unlike the former, however, the spirit loathes this form, often screaming its rage out. Should the spirit be freed, the walking corpse will go on a rampage.

This is less ‘lore’ and more of a ‘how to play this monster’. Which is far less interesting. So… yeah, this one is not a win.

Design: Remember the first zombie encounter in Resident Evil 1?

Yeah, it’s that. But worse. Much worse.

This motherfucker is certainly creepy. It’s hard to find a single part of him that doesn’t look like it came from somewhere else. Or someone else.

But where’d the loincloth come from? I guess whoever made this at least wanted to be decent. Although it was them who gave them genitals in the first place…

Me overthinking this in the most gross way possible, this design is fine. It’s suitably disgusting, but that’s about it. Aight, moving on.

Stats: A Fleshy Tank

In terms of attack, this guy isn’t all that dangerous. He can slam into you twice per turn, but the total 4d8+4 damage isn’t all that threatening at anything beyond fourth level. It may have a hard time killing you.

But you will have a hard time killing it.

Not because of its AC or HP, mind you. The former is a single digit and the ladder just borders on triple. If it weren’t for its long list of immunities (lightning, which it absorbs to heal itself, poison, all nonmagical/non-adamantine melee weapons, charm, exhaustion, frighten, paralysis, petrification, and poison), it would go down pretty easy. And again: no polymorph, it be immune to that, and it has advantage on all saving throws relating to magic, and all of its attacks are magical.

But hey! Getting hit by fire gives it disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks! That’s… something.

Placement

I’m a little disappointed by this guy. The lore basically doesn’t exist, the design is creepy but forgettable, and the stats are mediocre at best. It can make for a good scare for your players (speaking from experience here), but that’s about it.

With all that in mind, let’s put the Flesh Golem on the Best of the Bestiary!

1. Beholder
2. Death Tyrant
3. Dragon Turtle
4. Green Dragons
5. Red Dragons
6. Blue Dragons
7. Black Dragons
8. White Dragons
9. Silver Dragons
10. Couatl
11. Behir
12. Aboleth
13. Bronze Dragons
14. Brass Dragons
15. Copper Dragons
16. Gold Dragons
17. Chuul
18. Gibbering Mouther
19. Chimera
20. Death Knight
21. Fomorian
22. Bone Devil
23. Dracolich
24. Faerie Dragon
25. Ankheg
26. Storm Giant
27. Hill Giant
28. Empyrean
29. Efreeti
30. Dao
31. Cloud Giant
32. Drow (all four of ’em)
33. Shadow Demon
34. Marilith
35. Drider
36. Aarackockra
37. Azer
38. Demilich
39. Spectator
40. Marid
41. Cambion
42. Fire Giant
43. Animated Armor
44. Banshee
45. Basilisk
46. Yochlol
47. Bulette
48. Cloaker
49. Darkmantle
50. Doppelganger
51. Ghoul and Ghast
52. Ettin
53. Pit Fiend
54. Erinyes
55. Chain Devil
56. Bearded Devil
57. Barbed Devil
58. Spined Devil
59. Ice Devil
60. Djinni
61. Nalfeshnee
62. Glabrezu
63. Chasme
64. Barlgura
65. Horned Devil
66. Balor
67. Shadow Dragon
68. Vrock
69. Dretch
70. Gnolls (all three)
71. Goristro
72. Hezrou
73. Manes
74. Frost Giant
75. Duergar
76. Quasit
77. Dryad
78. Flumph
79. Goblin
80. Githyanki
81. Planetar
82. Imp
83. Clay Golem
84. Flameskull
85. Displacer Beast
86. Carrion Crawler
87. Githzerai
88. Rug of Smothering
89. Bugbear Chief
90. Bugbear
91. Flesh Golem <———————-
92. Vine Blight
93. Twig Blight
94. Needle Blight
95. Bullywug
96. Ettercap
97. Gas Spore
98. Cockatrice
99. Lemure
100. Solar
101. Deva
102. Cyclops
103. Centaur
104. Ghost
105. Fire Elemental
106. Water Elemental
107. Air Elemental
108. Stone Giant
109. Deep Gnome
110. Dinosaurs (All six of them)
111. Earth Elemental
112. Galeb Duhr
113. Flying Sword
114. Crawling Claw
115. Violet Fungus
116. Shrieker
117. Gargoyle