Best of the Beastiary, D&D

Flesh Golem: Ewwwwww…

Two of my gravediggers were caught and hanged yesterday. The other two are understandably reluctant to meet a similar fate, but I shan’t let their concerns stall my progress. I need fresh corpses, and if those bumpkins can’t get them for me, I’ll use theirs instead.

From the diary of Evangeliza Lavain, Necromancer

I am just going to destroy this article with Resident Evil jokes. Because that’s basically what this guy is!

Flesh golems are grisly creations, their bodies made of different parts stitched together from corpses. Its very strong, but its brain is only capable of thought on a level with a small child. Lightning invigorates them, giving them even further strength. And their flesh, despite being taken from rotting bodies, is extremely durable.

Much like the clay golem, a spirit is implanted into the body to give it life. Unlike the former, however, the spirit loathes this form, often screaming its rage out. Should the spirit be freed, the walking corpse will go on a rampage.

This is less ‘lore’ and more of a ‘how to play this monster’. Which is far less interesting. So… yeah, this one is not a win.

Design: Remember the first zombie encounter in Resident Evil 1?

Yeah, it’s that. But worse. Much worse.

He gonna make you into a Jill Sandwich!

This motherfucker is certainly creepy. It’s hard to find a single part of him that doesn’t look like it came from somewhere else. Or someone else.

But where’d the loincloth come from? I guess whoever made this at least wanted to be decent. Although it was them who gave them genitals in the first place…

Me overthinking this in the most gross way possible, this design is fine. It’s suitably disgusting, but that’s about it. Aight, moving on.

Stats: A Fleshy Tank

In terms of attack, this guy isn’t all that dangerous. He can slam into you twice per turn, but the total 4d8+4 damage isn’t all that threatening at anything beyond fourth level. It may have a hard time killing you.

But you will have a hard time killing it.

Not because of its AC or HP, mind you. The former is a single digit and the ladder just borders on triple. If it weren’t for its long list of immunities (lightning, which it absorbs to heal itself, poison, all nonmagical/non-adamantine melee weapons, charm, exhaustion, frighten, paralysis, petrification, and poison), it would go down pretty easy. And again: no polymorph, it be immune to that, and it has advantage on all saving throws relating to magic, and all of its attacks are magical.

But hey! Getting hit by fire gives it disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks! That’s… something.

Placement

I’m a little disappointed by this guy. The lore basically doesn’t exist, the design is creepy but forgettable, and the stats are mediocre at best. It can make for a good scare for your players (speaking from experience here), but that’s about it.

With all that in mind, let’s put the Flesh Golem on the Best of the Bestiary!

  1. Beholder
  2. Death Tyrant
  3. Dragon Turtle
  4. Green Dragons
  5. Red Dragons
  6. Blue Dragons
  7. Black Dragons
  8. White Dragons
  9. Silver Dragons
  10. Couatl
  11. Behir
  12. Aboleth
  13. Bronze Dragons
  14. Brass Dragons
  15. Copper Dragons
  16. Gold Dragons
  17. Chuul
  18. Gibbering Mouther
  19. Chimera
  20. Death Knight
  21. Fomorian
  22. Bone Devil
  23. Dracolich
  24. Faerie Dragon
  25. Ankheg
  26. Storm Giant
  27. Hill Giant
  28. Empyrean
  29. Efreeti
  30. Dao
  31. Cloud Giant
  32. Drow (all four of ’em)
  33. Shadow Demon
  34. Marilith
  35. Drider
  36. Aarackockra
  37. Azer
  38. Demilich
  39. Spectator
  40. Marid
  41. Cambion
  42. Fire Giant
  43. Animated Armor
  44. Banshee
  45. Basilisk
  46. Yochlol
  47. Bulette
  48. Cloaker
  49. Darkmantle
  50. Doppelganger
  51. Ghoul and Ghast
  52. Ettin
  53. Pit Fiend
  54. Erinyes
  55. Chain Devil
  56. Bearded Devil
  57. Barbed Devil
  58. Spined Devil
  59. Ice Devil
  60. Djinni
  61. Nalfeshnee
  62. Glabrezu
  63. Chasme
  64. Barlgura
  65. Horned Devil
  66. Balor
  67. Shadow Dragon
  68. Vrock
  69. Dretch
  70. Gnolls (all three)
  71. Goristro
  72. Hezrou
  73. Manes
  74. Frost Giant
  75. Duergar
  76. Quasit
  77. Dryad
  78. Flumph
  79. Goblin
  80. Githyanki
  81. Planetar
  82. Imp
  83. Clay Golem
  84. Flameskull
  85. Displacer Beast
  86. Carrion Crawler
  87. Githzerai
  88. Rug of Smothering
  89. Bugbear Chief
  90. Bugbear
  91. Flesh Golem <———————-
  92. Vine Blight
  93. Twig Blight
  94. Needle Blight
  95. Bullywug
  96. Ettercap
  97. Gas Spore
  98. Cockatrice
  99. Lemure
  100. Solar
  101. Deva
  102. Cyclops
  103. Centaur
  104. Ghost
  105. Fire Elemental
  106. Water Elemental
  107. Air Elemental
  108. Stone Giant
  109. Deep Gnome
  110. Dinosaurs (All six of them)
  111. Earth Elemental
  112. Galeb Duhr
  113. Flying Sword
  114. Crawling Claw
  115. Violet Fungus
  116. Shrieker
  117. Gargoyle

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