Goblins: You Know ‘Em, You Love ‘Em

If you want soldiers or thugs, hire hobgoblins. If you want someone clubbed to death in their sleep, hire bugbears. If you want mean little fools, hire goblins.

Stalman Klim, slave lord

Weird question: what’s your default goblin sound? Is it odd cackling? Or a sort of high-pitched grunting? I always make a weird ‘hyegh-hyegh’ kind of noise in the back of my throat. Only not at all like that because describing it with text really doesn’t do it justice and- this whole tangent is a big waste of time, isn’t it?

Goblins are almost as much a staple in Dungeons and Dragons as beholders or dragons. While there are plenty of low-level enemies in the book, goblins are the most commonly picked ones by DMs. At least in my experience. That’s party why I try to avoid them whenever I start a new campaign with anyone.

Lore: Sneaky Power Mongers

Weak on their own but strong in numbers, these black-hearted creatures are a common plague across the land. Goblins dwell in caves, gathering in numbers until they become too overwhelming a force to deal with. They hunger for power, which they’d happily abuse the moment they have it. They belong to the same family of beings as hobgoblins and bugbears. Although they are much lazier and less disciplined than their cousins.

Goblins are motivated entirely by their greed and desire. Fortunately, they are too weak to often attain it. Which is why they’ll celebrate what few victories they do have in lavish celebrations. Once those have died down, they take to torturing other creatures, from small animals to those they achieved their victory over.

The smartest and strongest among a goblin clan are those that become leaders. There are many of these with many different titles. A boss, for example, might lead a single clan, while a king leads many (although they are mostly just a glorified boss). However, they are easily ousted and goblin tribes are often taken over by bugbears or hobgoblins.

Their lairs are riddled with traps and alarms, making it difficult for anyone to sneak inside. On top of that, they’re filled with very small tunnels that most humanoids cannot fit inside, allowing goblins to maneuver quickly and easily. These are shared by their favored pets and mounts: rats and wolves, respectively.

Maglubiyet is the god of goblins. Known as the Mighty One and the Lord of Depths and Darkness, he is envisioned by the goblins as an eleven-foot-tall goblin with scarred black skin and fiery eyes. They worship him out of fear rather than faith. They believe that their spirits join his army when they die, an honor that they fear.

The lore is here is fine, but you won’t get much out of it. At best, you’ll get one or two early game encounters and an easy dungeon. If you want to tell a compelling story out of it, you’re out of luck.

Design: A Nasty Classic

Dude, take a shower.

Yeah, that certainly is a goblin. It’s small, it’s nasty (I keep wanting to spell that with a G for some reason, is that weird?) and it looks ready for a fight. A perfectly fine, average looking goblin design.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t bring anything new to the table. It’s just a copy-paste goblin like you could find in any fantasy.

It’s a perfectly fine design. But nothing especially creative or interesting. Next.

Stats: CHAAAAAAANGE PLACES!!

Bree-yark!

Goblin for “We surrender!” (Or so they say)

We’ve got two flavors of goblins here. We’ve got regular goblins and goblin bosses. Let’s have a look at them, shall we?

Regular goblins are among the weakest monsters in the book. Their AC isn’t the worst ever, sure. But it’s HP is so low that it would be a miracle if you didn’t kill it in one shot. Even at level one. Bosses are slightly more durable, with a higher AC and triple the HP. Even still, they’re not incredibly dangerous.

Both have the Nimble Escape ability. With this, they can take the Disengage action or Hide action as a bonus action. Like mini-rogues!

The basic goblin has a scimitar and a shortbow. Both do about as much damage as you’d expect from a starting game enemy. Meanwhile, the boss has a scimitar and a javeline, the ladder of which does less damage than the basic goblin’s shortbow. And the boss has multiattack, but the second attack… has… disadvantage?

I thought the boss was supposed to be better than a regular goblin?

They do have the Redirect Attack reaction, though. When targeted, the goblin can swap places with another goblin within five feet of it. That goblin becomes the target of the attack instead.

Put together, this could make for a fun early-game encounter. Something to make your players feel strong while they cut down regular goblins with ease in pursuit of the cowardly boss. But if you want something challenging, interesting, or especially memorable, you’ll need something else. Goblins are the most basic bitches in the entire book.

Placement

Personally, I’m not much of a goblin fan. Their lore is meh, their design generic, and their stats uninteresting. Of all the enemies to start a campaign with, I find these to be the least interesting of the lot.

With all that in mind, let’s put Goblins on the Best of the Bestiary!

1. Beholder
2. Death Tyrant
3. Dragon Turtle
4. Green Dragons
5. Red Dragons
6. Blue Dragons
7. Black Dragons
8. White Dragons
9. Silver Dragons
10. Couatl
11. Behir
12. Aboleth
13. Bronze Dragons
14. Brass Dragons
15. Copper Dragons
16. Gold Dragons
17. Chuul
18. Gibbering Mouther
19. Chimera
20. Death Knight
21. Fomorian
22. Bone Devil
23. Dracolich
24. Faerie Dragon
25. Ankheg
26. Storm Giant
27. Hill Giant
28. Empyrean
29. Efreeti
30. Dao
31. Cloud Giant
32. Drow (all four of ’em)
33. Shadow Demon
34. Marilith
35. Drider
36. Aarackockra
37. Azer
38. Demilich
39. Spectator
40. Marid
41. Cambion
42. Fire Giant
43. Animated Armor
44. Banshee
45. Basilisk
46. Yochlol
47. Bulette
48. Cloaker
49. Darkmantle
50. Doppelganger
51. Ghoul and Ghast
52. Ettin
53. Pit Fiend
54. Erinyes
55. Chain Devil
56. Bearded Devil
57. Barbed Devil
58. Spined Devil
59. Ice Devil
60. Djinni
61. Nalfeshnee
62. Glabrezu
63. Chasme
64. Barlgura
65. Horned Devil
66. Balor
67. Shadow Dragon
68. Vrock
69. Dretch
70. Gnolls (all three)
71. Goristro
72. Hezrou
73. Manes
74. Frost Giant
75. Duergar
76. Quasit
77. Dryad
78. Flumph
79. Goblin <————————-
80. Githyanki
81. Planetar
82. Imp
83. Flameskull
84. Displacer Beast
85. Carrion Crawler
86. Githzerai
87. Rug of Smothering
88. Bugbear Chief
89. Bugbear
90. Vine Blight
91. Twig Blight
92. Needle Blight
93. Bullywug
94. Ettercap
95. Gas Spore
96. Cockatrice
97. Lemure
98. Solar
99. Deva
100. Cyclops
101. Centaur
102. Ghost
103. Fire Elemental
104. Water Elemental
105. Air Elemental
106. Stone Giant
107. Deep Gnome
108. Dinosaurs (All six of them)
109. Earth Elemental
110. Galeb Duhr
111. Flying Sword
112. Crawling Claw
113. Violet Fungus
114. Shrieker
115. Gargoyle