Jurassic Park, Movies, Review

Fallen Kingdom: The Lost World Electric Boogaloo

I never want to watch another dinosaur movie ever again.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is one of the most baffling Hollywood blunders I’ve ever seen. It’s not just shallow and soulless. It’s not just nonsensical. It saw the mistakes made by The Lost World and said “Yeah, not gonna do that.” and then proceeded to repeat those same errors. And a few more on top of that! It’s like if you saw a man walk into a minefield, get blown up, and then immediately walked into that same minefield!

Is it as bad as Lost World? No. I doubt anything could be that bad. It is, however, close. Definitely the worst one since Jurassic Park 3.

You think Jurassic World 3 will be a remake of that one?

Story: I’m gonna slit my wrists

This is the furthest thing from Jurassic Park that could possibly exist. That movie had substance and intellect. This movie has neither. It’s trash and I hate it.

A few years after the Jurassic World incident, the island’s volcano (which has always been there, apparently, because building a theme park on top of a fucking volcano seems real smart) is set to erupt. This has sparked mass moral debate over the fate of the dinosaurs. Since then, Claire has started an organization to defend the dinosaurs (despite the fact that they tried to eat her nephews, but fuck it). She’s offered a deal to take them to a natural sanctuary, so she recruits Owen to help her find the raptor Blue. But surprise, the people who hired her are actually animal traffickers who want to sell the dinosaurs. Now Owen and Claire must save the animals.

Premise wise, this doesn’t sound so stupid. But in execution? This is one of the most incompetent movies I’ve ever seen.

Once again, the characters are all lifeless and boring. All the returning characters lack in depth and all the new characters are so terrible that they can only be described as ’embarrassing’. Such as:

  • Hunter who is obsessed with teeth
  • Cartoonishly evil animal trafficker (there are several of those)
  • Annoying little girl who is a motherfucking clone (um, yes, quick question: WHY?!?!?!)
  • Cowardly nerd who keeps being mistaken for someone else
  • Dinosaur vet

The dialogue is really where this movie falls apart. I mean, it was already falling to pieces before with the characters, especially that retarded clone twist. The dialogue was really just the final nail in the coffin.

Not a single line of dialogue in this movie sounds natural. Everyone either sounds like a Saturday morning cartoon villain or a robot. There is no inbetween. It’s not even the hilarious kind of bad. It’s just baffling that the writers think people talk like this.

And then there’s the new super-dino. That’s right, they made another one! And believe it or not, this one is even worse than the first movie! It sports a more interesting design, sure, but it comes in so late into the movie that it feels tacked on, as compared to the first JW movie, where the Indominus was the most important element of the plot. It feels like the writers decided that they needed a new raptor threat because every other movie in the series ended with raptors.

And, of course, we need a raptor vs raptor fight.

This, and every other plot threads, feels half baked. The romance? Poorly defined and rushed. The character arcs? Flat, predictable, and lazy. The bad guy twist? Totally obvious and annoying. That fucking clone subplot? Entirely unnecessary. It feels like the movie was written in half an hour. By a drunk person. With the attention span of an eight-year-old on a sugar high.

Also, can we please, for the love of all that is holy, stop putting dinosaurs in modern cities and mansions? It just doesn’t work, dude. I know the idea of a mutant dinosaur chasing a kid down a manor hallway sounds good on paper. But it does. Not. Work. It just comes across as cheesy. And not like a nice bree or a gouda. More like… American cheese. You know, that rubber shit that pretends to be cheddar.

This movie is so damn stupid. And not the fun kind of stupid, like what we got in the first Jurassic World. The annoying kind of stupid that makes you wish you were watching something else.

Or that you were dead. Mostly the ladder.

Presentation: How is the CGI worse than the original?

Like, legit, the dinosaurs look like they came out of the PS3. The original movie still holds up for the most part. This? This shit’s been out for two years and it’s going to be dated by the end of 2021.

Although, to be fair, some of the cinematography ain’t half bad. Sure, it isn’t gonna win any awards. But there are some striking visuals in this movie! The shot of the girl cowering from the dinosaur’s claw in her bed is, at the very least, a creepy looking image.

If only the script behind them wasn’t garbage.

Also, the music in this movie is super weak. Not even the recycled movie stands out! It’s all generic action-adventure fluff. Not the kind of OST that’s gonna go flying off the shelves.

Performances: Again, Pratt Steals the Show

You brought back Jeff Goldblum and you didn’t even use him. Well done.

Like I said earlier, this movie has a truly horrendous script. So, it should come as no surprise that there really aren’t any truly good performances in this movie. Honestly, it’s just a contest to see who can be the least bad.

Shock horror! It’s Chris Pratt! He’s actually trying, god bless him he’s trying! And if I had to pick someone with the least terrible dialogue, it would probably be him. He was the only one who didn’t make me roll my eyes every time he showed up on screen.

Now, I don’t want to pick on the kid. But… well, the kid is bad. Not the worst I’ve ever seen. She’s at least doing better than the teenage Aquaman. But I’d be a happier man if she weren’t in the movie.

I’d also be a happier man if I hadn’t seen it. But this is the promise I made, so here we are.

Conclusion

I’m done. I never want to watch another goddamn dinosaur movie ever again. I am… so tired.

Don’t watch this movie. Jurassic World: Lost Kingdom is not worth your time. It’s sloppy, it’s stupid, and it’s a waste of your time. This shit is actually somehow worse than Jurassic Park 3. At least that one was kinda fun and consistent.

Will I watch Jurassic World 3 when it comes out? I doubt it. There is no way that this franchise can redeem itself in any way. Considering the track record, I have no doubt that it will be at least as bad as Jurassic Park 3. And I don’t think I can handle another one of these movies.

Unless y’all really want me to suffer through it. I am, after all, a slave to my fans.

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