Another year, another E3. With it, we’ve gotten some disappointment, some excitement, and enough memes to keep us going for another few weeks! All in all, I’d say it’s been a good couple of days.
Today, I’m going to go over my personal highlights of E3 2019. Which games have me excited? Which ones make me wish I were in the grave? Let’s find out!
EA: why do we still take these guys seriously?
That new Star Wars game was the only thing of note. And it just looks like Sekiro: Star Wars Edition. I’ll take a hard pass.
Can we stop applauding game developers for announcing they aren’t doing loot boxes or pay to win mechanics? Especially not for EA. Please stop.
Microsoft: Keanu Reeves, Mother Fucker!
Keanu Reeves is in Cyberpunk 2077. That alone would have been cool enough! But then he decided to create the most wholesome moment of all of E3 with his “YOU’RE BREATH TAKING!” moment. Then he went even further beyond and gave us the release date for Cyberpunk! Oh my god, this was great!
We also get an announcement for a Destroy All Humans! remake! That’s amazing! Me and my older brother would play that together all the time when we were kids! It’s nice seeing something I love coming back! Even if we’re never getting DAH 3…
On the other end of the positivity spectrum, we got gameplay for the new Battletoads. Something about the art style simply irks me far too much for me to enjoy it. Which is odd, because I’m normally all about a cartoon-like style. I’m not super interested in.
Luckily, the rest was solid. We got an announcement of a new FromSoftware game called Eldin Ring, which is written by Hidetaki Miyazaki and George R.R. Fucking Martin! FUCK I’m excited for that!
We also got a cinematic trailer for Halo: Infinite. No gameplay, unfortunately, so I can’t safely say that it looks better than Halo 5 was. It is a launch title for the new system, Project: Scarlett, so it has a lot of pressure put onto it. Here’s hoping they don’t fuck it up.
Oh, and Double Fine, my favorite developers out there, have been acquired by Microsoft. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing yet. But considering that they’ve been on a decent track record recently, I guess I can give them a chance.
Just don’t fuck with Psychonauts 2.
*Side note: we got gameplay for Psychonauts 2, and it looks so good that it fucking hurts! I need that game, and I need it now! But it got delayed again to 2020! Fucking hell, I need it now!
Bethesda: why do we still take these guys seriously?
Ikumi Nakamura, the director of the game, is the most precious woman alive. She takes a solid second place as the most wholesome person to appear at E3 this year. She’d be first, if not for Keanu. Oh, and her game, Ghostwire: Tokyo, does look pretty neat. I’ll keep an eye on that one.
Doom Eternal looks fucking rad as hell. Plus, we got a release date! I am so psyched to rip and tear once again! Oh, and Wolfenstein looks rad. I don’t care much for Wolfenstein, but they do seem neat.
Besides that, Bethesda’s conference this year was practically a joke. Its adorable that Bethesda still thinks people play Fallout 76 after all the shit that happened/ is still happening.
Ubisoft: The Old Lady Legion
Allegedly, you can play as anyone in the new Watchdogs game. Including the old ladies. I’m gonna buy it just for that.
Aside from that, I don’t care about anything Ubisoft was selling. It was all Tom Clancy shit. There’s an audience for that, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not it.
Though it is funny that the new Just Dance is coming to the Wii. Not the Wii U. But the Wii. That hurts.
Square Enix: Mother Fucking MARCH?!
Final Fantasy 7 Remake comes out in March! And it looks great! Holy fuck I am so stoked for that!
Also, Final Fantasy 8 is being Remastered. That’s cool, I guess. There are folks out there who like that game. But I’m not one of them, so… sorry. Don’t care.
We also got a teaser for some Kingdom Hearts 3 DLC. And spoiler alert: it doesn’t look like it makes any god damn sense. It’ll be nice having a reason to return to it, as I did enjoy it quite a bit. But I have no hope that it will make anything any clearer.
Then, as the grand unveiling, we got a new game from the creators of the Batman: Arkham games: an Avengers game! It has an all-star cast, including several of my favorite voice actors (Nolan North, Laura Bailey, and more), beautiful cutscenes, and mere seconds of gameplay! I’m curious, but not super excited.
Overall, Square didn’t have a super strong show. What strong hits they had were very strong. But the weak ones were really forgettable.
Sony: Oh Wait…
Nintendo: The Saviors of E3… Again.
Okay. I’m gonna start this off by bullet pointing all the small announcements, as well as the things we already knew about. Ready?
- Mario Maker 2. Still looks great. Can’t wait.
- Link’s Awakening Remake. Also looks amazing. I’m dying to play it!
- Witcher 3 on Switch. I can safely say I didn’t see that coming. Hopefully it’ll run well.
- Dragon Quest: Didn’t get the chance to play this before. I’m stoked to fix that.
- Marvel Ultimate Alliance 3: I’m super excited to see this series return. Though I’m sad I won’t be able to play it with my brothers, like we did as kids. Damn you, Father Time!
- New Contra: I’d be excited, if it didn’t look like garbage.
- Contra Anniversary Collection: That’s more like it.
- Alien: Isolation Port. Well okay then.
- Luigi’s Mansion 3. Seems fun.
- No More Heroes 3: So we’re just gonna forget Travis Strikes Back?
- DAEMON X MACHINA: It seems interesting. I won’t pick it up immediately, but I’ll likely get around to it eventually.
- Spyro Reignited Trilogy: Hey Sony, Nintendo took all your mascots!
- Animal Crossing trailer/delayed: I’d feel bad, but I keep hearing people complain. As a Metroid fan, I feel no sympathy for them. Shut up and wait; we’ve been doing it for over ten years.
- Fire Emblem gameplay: Seems fun. I love Fire Emblem, so I’ll be sure to pick it up.
- Collection of Mana: We get to play all the Mana games, including the original Secret of Mana, on the go. That is literally perfect!
- More Pokemon. That new Gym Leader won’t leave my Twitter feed. Frankly, I’m amazed I haven’t run into any R34 for her yet.
*Update: never mind.
- More Astral Chain: That game seems neat, and I’m excited to play it. It seems right up my alley.
Holy shit. If those were the small ones, what were the big ones. Well, first of all:
Breath of the Wild sequel! Damn, that’s awesome! It looks great, and it looks spooky! Hopefully it’ll be on par with Majora’s Mask in terms of quality, because that’s clearly what they’re going for! That is damn exciting!
But you know what’s more exciting? The Hero from Dragon Quest getting into Smash! Who’s psyched for that?! Let me hear you, non-Japanese Smash Fans!
Really? No one? Okay, I’ll sit here and be alone on that. On a related note: Banjo and Kazooie got into Smash! That’s neat, I guess. A lot of people love Banjo, so it’s great to see them finally get the character that they…
Okay good. Glad we’re all happy.
I’d say this year was a pretty solid E3. It wasn’t the best year, by any means. But the announcements we got that were solid deserve the praise they get. Plus, in fairness, the number of curve balls and surprises we got was pretty insane!
Farewell, E3 2019. Thank you for getting all of our hopes up. I can’t wait for the inevitable crash as we realize a large number of these games are never coming out, and just as many will be bad! Because, as Brian David Gilbert so elegantly puts it:
Isn’t that what we want as gamers? To be disappointed?
I couldn’t find an image and I’m too tired to capture on myself. Sorry that I’m not sorry. Good night!