Daily Rant, Movies

Day 248: Remember Spider-Man 3?

Thanks to Spider-Man on PS4, I’ve been on a huge Spider-Man kick few the last few months. I’ve reread some of his best comics, from the original Amazing Spider-Man to the Ultimate Spider-Man (which is my personal favorite), re-watched the Spectacular Spider-Man cartoon, and of course: revisited his old movies.

And good god these movies are fucking funny.

Not the Amazing Spider-Man duo, those movies are fucking trash. I’m talking about the original Spider-Man trilogy. These movies are considered by many to by golden eggs of classic super-hero films, especially Spider-Man 2, which many consider to be the best Spider-Man movie ever made.

Now, I love these movies. I watched the hell out of them as a kid, especially Spider-Man 1. But revisiting these now? I’m sorry, I just can’t take it seriously. They’re just too fucking funny. I mean, come on, the climax of the first movie is the Green Goblin holding Mary Jane and a bus full of fucking children over a god damn lake with a corny monologue.

I can’t take that seriously in the comics, and I can’t take it seriously now.

But when you’re taking about this trilogy, there’s one movie that everyone universally agrees is terrible: Spider-Man 3.

Now, I actually think this movie has some good things that no one mentions. The Symbiote Spider Suit looks pretty good in this movie, even if it’s use in the story is hilariously terrible. But it looks pretty decent design wise.

Then there’s the scene where Sand-Man becomes… well, the Sand-Man. Watching him emerge from the pit and find the locket with his daughter’s picture inside is surprisingly somber and emotional, and the lack of music in the scene makes it kind of haunting. Plus, the visuals there don’t actually look that bad, even to this day.

And that’s about it. Everything else is just a fucking mess. A really fucking funny mess, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a mess.

Now, we all know about the ‘Peter Parker Bad Boy’ montage, so I won’t go into detail here. Frankly, I only mentioned it to remind you that it happened, and that it was very fucking funny. I mean, come on. Just look at this still from that scene.

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I’m tempted to make that my desktop background.

What people don’t mention is how funny everything else is. Like the Harry Osborn amnesia subplot. Now, I think James Franco is a good actor. But I have a question:

Why does having amnesia make you a literal retard? Seriously, he acts like he’s been sent back about twenty years mentally for… no reason. Look, I’ve never had amnesia, nor have I known anyone with amnesia, but I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t do that to you. Then, later in the movie, he just… stops having amnesia.

Pretty sure that’s not how it works.

Then there’s Eddie Brock as Venom. Jesus Christ, is he supposed to be funny?! Because I can’t take anything this dude says seriously. Like, my god, he looks Spider-Man dead in the eyes and says “I like being bad. It makes me happy.” with a big, dumb smile on his face.

I’m not supposed to take this seriously, am I?

Then there’s Peter, who just makes the most nonsensical decisions in the history of fiction. Like when he got the Key to the City and… kisses Gwen Stacy. Right in front of Mary Jane. For no reason.

DUDE, DIDN’T YOU PLAN ON PURPOSING TO MJ LATER IN THE MOVIE?! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS?! YOU KNOW SHE’S FUCKING WATCHING, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

Everyone agrees that this movie is terrible. And they’re not wrong, it’s a terrible and incoherent script with even worse performances. But what they don’t mention is just how fucking funny it is.

Seriously, if you need to have a hearty laugh, watch this movie. It is one of the worst comic book movies I’ve ever seen. It’s a complete mess with too many villains, the characters don’t make any logical decisions, and the script is a total mess. If you love making fun of bad movies, this is a great one to pick on.

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