Archive, D&D, Daily Rant

ARCHIVE Day 80: The Sinister Fun of Being a DM

Original Release: May 26th, 2018

Last night, me and my friends partook in another session of Dungeons and Dragons, and a successful one at that. They fought many monsters (those being centaurs and a LITERAL FUCKING T-REX) and had to sneak their way past the guards of a town under lock-down. It was a blast.

In case I didn’t make it clear, I am the Dungeon Master for the group. As such, I am in charge of all the monsters, the townsfolk, their fellow adventurers, pretty much everything in the world. I know everything about the world in which they live, and I know every adventure that awaits around the corner.

At least I claim I do. Then they cut out the fangs and eyes of a T-Rex, shrink the body down, and use the tiny dead rag-doll to scare off a pair of centaur raiders.

Yes this happened.

Now, I won’t unveil any of my plans here. I know that at least two of my players follow my Twitter and occasionally read my crap (I see you two) so I can’t risk it. But I just want to express my favorite part of being GOD.

Throwing a shit ton of shit at them.

For example, during the T-Rex fight, the party’s Wizard hit it with a powerful lightning bolt. But it then retaliated by chomping him in two and hitting his bloodies torso with it’s tail. I got a series of great rolls, and it pushed the poor guy to the door of death.

Do you have any idea how amazing it feels to watch the party panic as a dying wizard hits the floor? It’s phenomenal.

Sadism is my favorite part of Dungeon Mastering. Sure, it’s satisfying to reward my players when their ridiculous antics succeed. But it is exquisitely satisfying when they get a natural one, dread crosses their face, and they await my divine judgement.

Seriously, if you enjoy fucking with your friends and want to get away with it, just offer to be their Dungeon Master for a D&D campaign. Every natural one will give you joy beyond compare.

Sadism aside, my players ended this session on a pretty big high. And to be fair, they earned it. I designed the whole ‘sneak past the check-in station’ section to be nigh-impassible without getting arrested. To my surprise, they passed it.

But now I get to tear them a new one in a way I hadn’t planned at all. That’s the real reason I love this game. The story you planned out will almost never go the way you think it will. It keeps you on your toes constantly.

And if you’re an evil bastard like me, then the players will be on their toes as well.

Oh, and if those two players I mentioned are reading this? Do look forward to the next session. It’s gonna be a doozy.

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