I figured I’d try something different today.
A few months back, I dedicated my attention to the Godzilla franchise. I ranted about each film in the franchise, from the original 1954 film all the way up to Shin Godzilla and the anime films. Now, I feel like revisiting those posts once again with a little game.
If you watch JelloApocalypse on YouTube (link to his channel here go check him out) then you may recognize this format. That’s because I’m completely stealing it for today’s post. Go check out his stuff so I don’t feel bad, he makes some really funny stuff.
If the title doesn’t give it away, I’ll be making mini-reviews of each film written within the boundaries of ten or less words. Each will also have a rating on a scale from 0-10, or -1 to -10. Positive numbers mean genuinely good, while negative numbers mean ironically good. For example, -10 would be The Room, while +10 would be Citizen Kane. Low numbers are reserved for the boring ones.
Now, with all that in mind, let’s get started. This should be fun!
THE SHOWA ERA
Gojira/Godzilla: King of the Monsters (1954)
A classic in every sense of the word
Godzilla Raids Again (1955)
King Kong VS Godzilla (1962)
Wait, why did the lightning make him stronger?
Mothra VS Godzilla (1964)
Bugs fighting Dinosaurs has never been so thrilling.
Ghidorah, the Three Headed Monster (1964)
The real first big cross-over between films
Invasion of Astro-Monster (1965)
KAIJU!! IN!! SPACE!!
Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (1966)
This really should’ve stayed a King Kong movie…
Son of Godzilla (1967)
Aw… this genocidal monster does have a heart!
Destroy All Monsters! (1968)
That climax just feels like bullying… I love it!
All Monsters Attack! (1969)
*incomprehensible screams of boredom induced agony*
Godzilla VS Hedorah (1971)
I’d call this movie dark if it weren’t hilarious.
Godzilla VS Gigan (1972)
Why are the Kaiju talking? WHY ARE THE KAIJU TALKING?!
Godzilla VS Megalon (1973)
The perfect tag-team doesn’t exis- never mind, that’s flawless.
Godzilla VS Mechagodzilla (1974)
Wake me up when she stops singing…
Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)
For the ‘finale’ of Godzilla, there sure isn’t much… Godzilla…
THE HEISEI ERA
The Return of Godzilla (1984)
A reasonably okay recreation of the original film.
Godzilla VS Biollante (1989)
Behold, the deadliest flower in the universe!! TREMBLE IN FEAR!!
Godzilla VS King Ghidorah (1991)
What if Godzilla were a Back to the Future movie?
Godzilla VS Mothra (1992)
BEHOLD!! EDGY MOTHRA!! and regular Mothra too, i guess…
Godzilla VS Mechagodzilla 2 (1993)
The movie where Godzilla went full anime!
Godzilla VS Spacegodzilla (1994)
*uncontrollable howling laughter*
Godzilla VS Destroyah (1995)
*uncontrollable screams of sobbing*
The biggest hate letter to a fan base ever written.
THE MILLENNIUM ERA
Godzilla 2000 (1999)
Japan: Well, I guess we’d better clean this mess up…
Godzilla VS Megaguirus (2000)
Oh hey, they brought Battra back!
Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack! (2001)
What even is that title?!
Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla (2002)
Holy fuck, he really fucked him up didn’t he?!
Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S (2003)
Well that was terribly unoriginal, wasn’t it?
Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)
Take that America!
THE CURRENT ERA
America: We can Godzilla, we swear!
Shin Godzilla (2016)
The single greatest Godzilla film ever made, without a doubt.
Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017)
Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (2018)
The biggest fuck-you Mechagodzilla ever received…
AND THAT’S ALL OF THEM!
At least until King of the Monsters and Planet Eater come out. But don’t expect an updated list for those. Making this one took long enough.
Now, I need you guys to remember: this is all just my opinion. If you disagree with any number I put on this list, feel free to let me know in the comments. I’m more than up for discussion. All I ask is that you do so in a calm civil manner.
Or just call me a cock-sucking fuck face moron. That works too.