Countdown to Ultimate, Daily Rant, Video Games

Day 264: Countdown to Ultimate: Melee

This is it. The big one. If you’re talking about Super Smash Bros., then there’s no avoiding the topic of Melee. The perfect entry that people still play to this very day, both casually and at tournaments.

Well, at least everyone claims it’s perfect.

Don’t misunderstand: I love Melee. It’s a fantastic game, and I can definitely see why it still has so many dedicated players to this day. The gameplay still mostly holds up (you can’t deny those hit-boxes can be wonky, and if you do then you’re stupid) and it introduced many Smash Bros. staples, such as the collectible trophies and the definitive version of the Corneria stage, a fan favorite.

DK’s smile is going to haunt my nightmares to the day I die.

It also has one of the most popular rosters in the series, which introduced a lot of staple characters. The Ice Climbers, Zelda, Ganondorf, Mewtwo, Mr. Game and Watch, and the Fire Emblem boys. And best of all: Samus isn’t at the bottom of the tier list! These characters are all fun to play in their own little ways, with my odd choice of favorite being the self-harming Pichu.

I can relate to that.

Now grab a cushion, because there is a big but coming. And with it, an even bigger angry crowd.

I personally think this game is overrated.

This picture was taken outside of my house from moments after I said this. Not only is it amazing that everyone gathered so quickly, but they managed to blanket the whole sky behind them in black! Y’know, to set the mood for my upcoming hanging.

Put your pitchforks down and extinguish those torches! I’m allowed to have my opinion, and you’re allowed to have yours! And my opinion is that Smash Bros Melee, while still very fun to play, does not hold up in a lot of areas.

For one, the Adventure Mode. Sure, it doesn’t take long to beat, but man is it boring. It’s hardly challenging, even on the higher settings, and it’s a complete snore to play through. And if you want to unlock everything (without playing a  hundred billion matches) then you need to play through it.

Then there are some of the stages. Now, I appreciate them adding so many more stages on top of what they had. But some of these stages are really dumb and really not that fun to play on. And this game introduces my least favorite stage in the history of Smash Bros: the Super Mario World stage.

This has come back in every Smash game after Melee, by the way. And I hate it just as much in all of them.

I hate this stage more than I hate life itself. It’s just cramped enough to be annoying, and the breakable blocks in the middle only make getting air launches annoying and tedious. Not to mention that the little pit in the middle has gotten me killed more times than I’d like to admit. Plus, I’m pretty sure the RNG is rigged to put you here. Eight times out of ten, when I push the random button, it sends me and my friends right here. And they all hate this stage just as much as I do, so then we’re all fucking miserable as we try to kill each other.

Simply put: fuck this stage.

And everyone gives Melee credit because of how fast it is. And to this, I ask: what the hell are you talking about? Melee is still a very slow game, much like the original game. Unless, of course, you’re super high level MLG players. But I’m not, and my experience with Melee has always been super slow. Fun, yes, but undeniably slow.

Now, I’ll give credit where it’s due: the Classic mode in this game is actually a fair bit more difficult than the original game on the higher settings. It’s actually a challenge, which makes it far more fun to play. Plus, I really like Crazy Hand. He’s an interesting addition, and his inclusion definitely makes the game better.

I also think this is the only game where the collectible trophies aren’t a huge pain in the ass. There are just enough of them here to create longevity in the game, but not so many that hunting them down is a huge fucking pain in the ass. This is the only Smash game to strike a perfect balance with those.

Why do I keep bringing up the trophies, you ask? Because I’m a Completionist. I’ve spent hundreds of hours hunting these things down across the series. It’s a fucking nightmare.

Now, to conclude this Daily Rant, I have a little letter for all of you. It goes as follows:

Dear Internet,

I understand that you may be a little… upset with me due to my criticisms of Melee. After all, I’m sure you all consider this to be a perfect video game. I’m here to give you a few reality checks.

One. Just because I have criticisms doesn’t mean I didn’t love the game. In fact, I’m vocal about my criticisms because I love these games. When I criticize something, it’s never out of malicious intent. I do it because I want the things I love to be better, and maybe people will listen and take my words into consideration in order to make a better product.

Two. My opinion doesn’t have to change yours. I’m just an jackass with a blog and free time. If you love the game and think my criticisms are invalid, then go right ahead. You do you, I’ll do me, and we won’t do each other. Unless, of course, you want to.

Three. No game is perfect. Even the best games have flaws. Melee can be wonky at times, the Last of Us has some really tedious encounters and lackluster puzzles, and Persona 5 has a terrible anime adaptation tacked on to it’s name. It’s fine to acknowledge these and love a game regardless of them at the same time.

Please take these three points into consideration before hanging me and bashing my testicles like a pinata. Thank you so much for your time.

Jonah Hunt.

Please do as the letter says. Or you can just ignore it and call me a fucktard idiot head. You do you man.

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