Daily Rant, Video Games

Day 254: Minesweeper

Okay, I just saw an app for Classic Minesweeper while paroosing the app store on my phone (hey man, gotta have something to do when you’re out of dishes to wash) and I had to talk about it. I need to get it off my chest.

Minesweeper is fucking bullshit.

Seriously, never once in my life have I successfully cleared a board in this fucking game. More often than not, I crash and burn after one or two clicks. I’ll get through a few ones, maybe a two or a four, and then bam! Game over.

This is the most nerve racking game I have ever played. You never know what to do, whether or not the next square you’ll click will be your last. Can I count this as a horror game, because I’m more frightened playing this shit then I am playing Outlast.

And I don’t want to hear a damn thing about ‘Formulas for Success’ or calculating programs. Those formulas are bullshit, and those programs are cheating. If you say you’ve beaten Minesweeper and you used one of those, then you’re a fucking liar and a cheater!

That, or your luck is fucking leagues above my own. It’s a very real possibility.

Despite my seething impotent rage, I still have fond memories of this game. Whenever our internet went out (which happened a lot, in case you were curious) my brothers and I would crowd around our computer and try to beat a round of Minesweeper.

Only my older brother succeeded. But he is around one million percent smarter and luckier than I am, so that hardly counts.

No matter how hard I try, I can never do it. I can never earn any pride in my father’s eye, nor can I gain any admiration from my little brother’s. Never will I be able to win my elder brother’s respect, or the love of my mother.

All because I can’t beat Minesweeper.

On the subject, do kids these days still even know what Minesweeper is? I’m not sure that it’s a default game installed on computers anymore, like it used to be. And if not, what will the modern equivalent be? Candy Crush Saga?

I don’t think I can live in a world where Candy Crush Saga is more well known than Minesweeper.

I could go on and talk about the other pre-installed PC games, but none of those have stuck with me like this one. I mean, there was that terrible pinball game, but who cares about that? I’m not seeing that on the app store, now am I?

Aside from that, there are only two that I can remember. Those being Solitaire and it’s incredibly different and thrilling counterpart: Spider Solitaire.

Guess which one I actually played/managed to beat.

But none of these came close to Minesweeper. It’s not exactly thrilling to crowd around a computer organizing cards or playing pinball. I will always remember sitting on the edge of my seat, trembling and sweating as I hovered over the next square, wondering if it was to be my last.

Spoiler alert: it always was.

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