Anime, Archive, Persona 5 The Review

ARCHIVE Persona 5 The Review E14: a recap? really?

Original Release: July 7th, 2018

Oh my god, finally! It’s time for the last Archive of Persona 5: The Review! Now I never need to think about this fucking terrible anime ever again, and you guys can read my slow descent into madness while watching this! I hope you enjoyed it!

Cause I sure as fuck didn’t…

This episode immediately started with two things that pissed me off. One, a scene in the present with Akechi trying to dodge the press (in case it wasn’t already too obvious who would capture Ren) and Sae recaping to the audience who the Phantom Thieves are and what they do. To that I have two questions.

1. Have you not shoved enough Akechi down our fucking throats already?!

2. Why?!

You guys didn’t take a break! It hasn’t been a season! We still know who these guys are and what they do! Why do you need to bring us up to speed when you never left us off anywhere? If there were a gap between episodes or maybe a season break, I could forgive this, but seriously?! How stupid do you think your audience is?

Well we’re still watching this crap, so maybe we’re nearly as stupid as you think.

We also got a new opening this episode and… it sucks. It just sucks really bad. Sure the song is great, but calling Persona 5 music great is like saying the sky is blue. We all know it’s true, you don’t need to spell it out. But the actual opening is just… stock footage of the anime we’ve gotten so far.

And guess what? It ends out with an All-Out Attack animation!

Is this just a big fuck you to the audience for not liking them? Is that what it is? Because it’s an effective fuck you. I’m actually really upset by this. Well done A-1.

Then the actual episode starts up with a minor sidequest from the game, this one being the psychotic net stalker girl from their school. Here, we get another terrible action sequence in which every character launches a blast of energy, then we linger on a still shot of them with their name, Persona and codename scrolling across the screen (all except Yusuke and Makoto, because fuck them I guess). Then after this we get another unfunny Yakisoba bun joke, in which random students comment about the lawsuit against Ren.

Okay seriously, was this supposed to be for season 2? Was there originally going to be a seasonal break, but they said fuck it and sandwiched it in with season 1? Because the whole beginning of this episode is a waste of my god damn time, and it’s actually making me really fucking angry.

I haven’t been this angry at an episode of P5A since episode 2. And we’re only five minutes in.

Then, as if the show didn’t think we were dumb enough, we get Makoto commenting on how all three of the first Phantom Thieves awoke their Personas and defeated Kamoshida and blah blah blah STOP WASTING OUR FUCKING TIME WITH THESE GOD DAMN RECAPS AND SHOW ME SOMETHING INTERESTING YOU DOG SHIT ADAPTATION OF A GREAT GAME!!

Finally, after all that bullshit, we get to what I actually wanted: the Makoto Confidant quest. Or at least the first part; we see Ren and Makoto go the red light district, Makoto get flustered by the pervert guy and rescued by Ren (which was actually really cute and well done) and them seeing the other girl whose name escapes me and questioning her in the Student Council Room. It’s perfectly fine and actually really well paced, featuring some good jokes based around the students hyper energetic personality. These two scenes are pretty good, maybe even some of the best the show has given us so far.

After this, however, take a guess at what we get. Guess.

Did you guess another recap featuring Yusuke and Madarame?! Because if you did, you’d be right! It’s suitably boring and infuriating and it makes me want to go REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

After this, we got another pointless scene in which Sae just can’t believe that her precious baby sister is a Phantom Thief and that they got their sense of justice from their dad and PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP WASTING MY TIME CAN WE GO BACK TO THE CUTE CONFIDANT QUEST?!

Oh. We did. Thank god.

We get yet another pretty well done and interesting scene of Makoto confiding in Ren. She explains her past and her father, her insecurity about her future, her concern that her rank in the mock exam dropped, and her wonder if any of the studying and hard work even matters. It’s a very humanizing scene that gives Makoto a lot of depth, making her the closest character to her in-game counterpart than anyone we’ve seen thus far.

It does, however, have a really awkward cut-off point. Just as Makoto is telling Ren what ultimately became of her father, we get a cut to the Bar with a voice-over line of ‘I hope Eiko is okay working in a place like that’. It’s a complete change of subject that feels really out of place. Granted, we already know what happened to her dad, so at least it didn’t waste our time explaining again (like the rest of this episode has done so far) but they definitely could’ve handled it better. Still, the scene is perfectly fine and reasonably engaging.

Then we get a scene of Mishima meeting Ohya. It’s a short scene that only serves to set up for a joke a little later in the episode. Granted, the joke is actually kind of funny, so I can forgive it.

It’s just a damn shame we get ANOTHER GOD DAMN RECAP OF THE KANESHIRO ARC FROM MORGANA IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS GOD DAMN IT EPISODE STOP MAKING ME TRY TO HATE YOU WHEN I’M TRYING SO HARD TO LOVE YOU!!

See, these recaps wouldn’t be so bad if they were actually interesting! But they’re not! They’re just flashbacks of the arc with a random character summarizing it like they’re reading a god damn wiki article! It’s not an interesting way to recap information to your audience! As you could probably figure out reading this review, it is in fact a fantastic way to PISS THEM THE FUCK OFF AND WONDER WHY THEY SWORE TO REVIEW EVERY EPISODE OF THIS GARBAGE!!

Anyways…

In between these two scenes, we also get a scene of Eiko and her boyfriend meeting with Chihaya the fortune teller, who tries to scam them with her salty rock of divine protection. This scene only serves as set up for the rest of the Confidant quest.

Speaking of which, before we get to the next part, we get a really short scene of Ann and Ren going jewelry shopping to prepare for the mock-double-date. It only really serves to set-up Ren getting a part-time job, which will probably open up one of the less important (but still really fucking helpful) Confidants from the game.

The rest of the episode follows the remainder of the Confidant quest. The double date, investigating into Eiko’s totally not a bad-guy boyfriend, and the confrontation. This time however, it actually ends with the Phantom Thieves intervening and changing his heart.

Oh yeah, remember the stills with their name and Persona? Well now we get the rest of them to wrap up this god awful action scene. Y’know, in case you forgot who Yusuke was after the last episode or who Makoto was even though we followed her the entire episode.

Okay… how do I put this? This episode was a perfect 50/50 of quality. The Makoto Confidant stuff was genuinely interesting, engaging and entertaining. If this episode was just that, it would have been the best episode by a long shot. Unfortunately, it’s dragged down by constant REMEMBER THIS?! flashbacks and recaps. It really does feel like this was supposed to come out after a long break, maybe even to start a season 2. But it was abundantly clear that a season 2 wouldn’t happen, so they just sandwiched it wish season 1. Because of that change, however, the whole episode treats you like your an idiot.

P5A has been bad, but it hasn’t insulted our intelligence before. Because of that alone, I have to say this was the worst episode. Yes the Makoto stuff was great, but one bit of shining diamond in a pile of horse shit doesn’t change the fact that you’re digging through a pile of shit.

The action was bad, the recaps were bad, the dialogue was pretty bad, and only forty percent of the episode didn’t make me want to kill myself. This was, without a doubt, the most disappointing and terrible episode to date.

And it was all about my favorite character to boot.

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