Daily Rant, Video Games

Day 192: The Nintendo 64

Remember this little guy?

I love this thing. Sure, many of it’s games haven’t aged well (cough cough Goldeneye) but my nostalgia for them are too strong for me to care. And with everyone clamoring for the N64 Classic, because we already got the NES and SNES Classics, I figured I’d spend today talking about it.

Let’s start with a question: what the fuck is up with that controller?!

n64-classic-controller-ttx-red-game-controller.jpg

What the fuck is this thing? It looks like a SNES controller and a Playstation controller walked through a microwave together, fucked, died and then this crawled out of the corpses! How is anyone supposed to hold it comfortably?! I’ve never known! Do you hold the center dongle thingy and then move to the left-hand dongle thingy when you need the D-pad? Or am I supposed to have really big hands?

Who designed this? I demand to know! I need to know what they were thinking!

Sorry. Let me get back on track.

This thing has so many games that we all remember. Mario 64, Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask, the Pokemon Stadium games, Kirby 64 (it’s a decisive one, but I enjoyed it immensely) and of course: Metroi- oh wait… I mean… Smash Bros!

I will always remember playing the original Super Smash Bros. whenever my family went to visit my grandparents. While the adults all had their conversation about politics and religion, me and my brothers were beating each other down in Smash with a set of broken N64 controllers.

Watching Samus, Link and Fox slowly stroll towards each other has never felt so tense.

But I do think people should take off their nostalgia goggles when talking about this thing. Sure, a lot of it’s games are still really fun to this day, but even more of them are not. These include…

  • The aforementioned Goldeneye (fight me)
  • Perfect Dark
  • Mario Party 1, 2 and 3
  • Bomberman 64 (and this is coming from someone who fucking loves Bomberman)
  • Pilotwings 64
  • Hey You, Pikachu!
  • Castlevania 64

And so on.

Yes, for every Castlevania the N64 has a Starfox. But let’s ask ourselves this: do we really want the N64 Classic? I mean, all the ones we want have either been remade or are no longer available for Nintendo to use.

I am in fact talking about Rareware. Ask yourself this: do you really want a version of the N64 without Banjo or Conker? Personally I wouldn’t care because I think those games are overrated and alright at best (fight me) but the answer for most people would be: no.

Honestly, I think the N64 should be left alone. It’s a fine piece of tech that has been treated very poorly by time. While I would love to see it be brought back into the lime-light, I don’t think it should be. Just leave this little chunk of Nintendo history right were it is.

I mean, the fucker doesn’t even have a handle. It’s clearly an inferior machine.

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