ARCHIVE Day 25: Wait, Kingdom Hearts is What?


Square Enix is one of the biggest game developers in the business. They made the iconic Final Fantasy, Dragon Quest, and of course, Kingdom Hearts.

Now, practically all of these games are fun, but convoluted. And none are more guilty of this than Kingdom Hearts. Don’t believe me? If you don’t, you clearly haven’t played the games.

But I have. On the highest difficulty, no less.

Displaying my total lack of actual masculinity aside, the stories for these games are the absolute worst. The only franchise that comes even close is the story to Metal Gear, but even then that still makes more sense.

But I’m not gonna tackle the whole plot (that’s for another day). Today, I’m just gonna try and figure out the least clear aspect of the story: Kingdom Hearts itself.

In the original, Kingdom Hearts was a door leading to the Realm of Darkness (even though it was also Light, apparently, but whatever). Simple, right? Makes sense. It’s the door to a Kingdom full of hearts, hence Kingdom Hearts.

Then Kingdom Hearts 2 happened. In this game, Kingdom Hearts was a… giant heart in the sky made of released hearts? Okay… What happened to the door?

Well, don’t worry. The Door was also Kingdom Hearts. Don’t worry, it’ll only get worse.

Then, in Birth by Sleep, it’s revealed that there are three Kingdom Hearts’, those being the Door, the Moon and… another moon? Yeah, as it turns out, the actual Kingdom Hearts is both a realm and people’s hearts… or something.

Yeah, at that point, I kinda spaced out. That’s when Kingdom Hearts finally became too damn complicated. Even though it was already pretty damn complicated already. I’ve seen Jackson Polick paintings that make more sense!

And then Dream Drop Distance happened and all our brains exploded.

Thanks for reading, and have a lovely day.

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