ARCHIVE Day 16: Happy Not Quite Dr. Suess Day, I Guess

This post was originally released around Dr. Seuss Day, so note that it was more topical on the day of the original release. Now I’m justifying it with the release date of that new terrible Grinch movie getting closer and closer.

Today, I feel like talking about one of the greatest authors of all time. You know him, you love him, and you keep going to see terrible adaptations one after another because they have his name plastered on them.

That’s right, it’s Dr. Suess.

This man is a legend. His books were so good that they have a dedicated Dr. Suess day in elementary schools! He’s forged the childhoods of people everywhere with such classics as The Cat in the Hat, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, The Lorax, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears a Who, etcetera. We’ve all read ’em, we all love ’em. They all have perfect and subtle morals for the kids who read them. They’re classics through and through, and they’ll last forever.

So why do all the movies fucking suck?

Now, before we get to the shit, I actually want to defend Jim Carrey’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas. It’s a terrible adaptation, yes, but it’s still a fun time if you’re in the mood for something stupid. Every now and then, you need to watch something stupid to help you relax. It’s still a terrible movie, but it’s still kinda fun.

But then we’ve got Michael Myers in The Cat in the Hat. Which is just… ugh. It hurts to even think about. There’s pretty much nothing good about it in the slightest. The directing, the costumes, the sets, the comedy, none of it makes sense. It’s just… awful.

Luckily, the later adaptations go into the realm of animation, where Dr. Suess truly belongs.

Doesn’t mean they’re any good.

Who remembers Horton Hears a Who? You know, the one with a five minute long anime reference? Steve Carrel was one of the Whos? No? I can hardly blame you, it’s fucking awful. It misses everything that made the book memorable.

Get used to that. They all fuck up just as bad.

Now here’s one you probably remember a bit more: The Lorax, starring Danny DeVito as… the Lorax, along with Andy from the Office (I can’t be bothered to look up his name) as the Onsler, Zack Affron and Taylor Swift as… bland kid one and two. It gets everything about the original book so memorable and powerful by dumping down the message and giving it a happy ending. Yeah, in case you forgot, the original book ended with ambiguity. You never find out if the boy managed to bring the trees back. All you can do is imagine. But in the movie, it’s a cut and dry happy ending.

Because that’s what made the book so great, right?

Ugh. And we’re not done, either. By the end of this year, we’ll be getting a new Grinch movie starring Benedict Cumberpatch. Yeah. Not How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Just… the Grinch. Now, we haven’t seen the movie yet, but from what we’ve seen from the trailer… no. Please god no. Benedict, I love you in pretty much everything you do, but this one is too much.

Fucking Illumination. Bastards keep milking Suess for everything he’s worth. And you know what? I’m done. I will not be going to see The Grinch. I’m just gonna keep reading the books. You know, the good ones that’ll last forever.

Except the live action Grinch. That one’s great in all the worst ways.

Thanks for reading, and have a lovely day.

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