‘Gamera VS Jiger‘ was a fun slice of cheesy kaiju fun. It struck that perfect balance between genuine creativity and artistic ability and dumb giant monster shenanigans. After watching that, I felt the bar had been raised for the rest of Gamera’s Showa era.
Not even one movie later and I need to drop that bar again. Granted, I don’t need to put it on the floor. Still, I can’t say I enjoyed this one all that much.
Earthquakes have been ravaging the world, killing thousands. But these disasters are anything but natural. They’ve been caused by an invading alien: Zigra, a giant shark monster from space! Now it’s up to humankind and Gamera to defend the Earth once again!
Let’s start with the positives. This movie can be entertaining. Every now and then, something so unbelievably stupid happens that you can’t help but laugh. Like how the humans discover Zigra’s hypnosis can be broken by poorly imitating dolphins into a radio. Or when Zigra charged the children in their boat only to turn around at the last second to charge them again. Alas, these moments of pure comedy are rare, like finding an oasis in the desert.
Aliens are back. Well, sort of. Zigra is the only real alien, but he’s got a mind controlled human servant to do the actual antagonist work. By which I mean he has her chasing a pair of toddlers like a Scooby Doo villain while changing outfits like she’s playing Hitman. Why? Because… uh… There is no reason. But it is the most entertaining plotline in the movie.
And that’s about it. The rest of this movie is boring. Or worse: annoying.
In the last movie, the human cast was flat, but at least they were entertaining. The actors were having fun, and there were some legitimately funny gags every now and then. Not so much anymore. Aside from the extremely passionate Sea World employee, everyone is a boring plank of wood. And his sole traits are liking his orcas and ogling at the ‘alien’ when she puts on a bikini.
Our main characters this time around are a pair of kindergarteners and their parents. Which makes for an absolutely miserable viewing experience of flat acting and obnoxious dialogue. Every line they have is shouted at the top of their lungs because they were far too young to even memorize their lines, let alone perform them. To be clear, I don’t blame the kids for being kids. I blame the director.
I hesitate to even call this a kaiju movie. We spend more time faffing about Sea World than we do with Gamera. All so the movie can tack on a message about environmental preservation that had nothing to do with the actual plot.
Oh yeah, this movie looks terrible by the way. There’s virtually no miniature work, and what we do get looks laughable. The sets are cheap and empty, and the costumes look like they came from a thrift shop. God forbid there’s a bird’s-eye-view shot, because those shake worse than an addict itching for a fix.
There’s also a weird problem with the audio in the version I watched. Namely that it sounds like shit. The kids peak the microphones every single time they speak, and the adults aren’t much better. I’ve been watching these on Amazon Prime, and this is the only one so far with this issue. My ears haven’t hurt so bad watching one of these movies since the first one, with Gamera’s ear-piercing shriek. Honestly, I’d probably be a lot softer with my criticisms if the movie didn’t give me a headache while watching it.
Which is a shame, because the music is at least pretty good. It rarely fits the scene, but it at least sounds cool.
Do we at least have a cool kaiju for silly fight scenes? Not really. Zigra is just a really big shark with red eyes. Sure, the costume itself doesn’t look too bad, but the design is just so boring!
It also talks. Which would be really funny, if it didn’t sound like a primitive text-to-speak program with the most bland, generic villain dialogue you have ever heard. They were clearly trying to make him sound intimidating, but it didn’t work. It’s not even laughable, it just puts me to sleep.
Do we at least have entertaining kaiju battles? Survey says: no. There’s no fun choreography or over-the-top cheesy moments. In their first bout, Zigra just zaps Gamera with the static beam a few times, then the fight is over. Their subsequent rematch really isn’t any better; Zigra cuts Gamera a few times, Gamera drags him to the surface, throws a rock at his head, and… plays his dorsal fins like a xylophone.
I take back everything I said, this movie is hilarious. Even Gamera takes a break to laugh before roasting Zigra to death.
Aside from the rare moment of cheesy fun, ‘Gamera VS Zigra‘ is not an especially entertaining movie. When it isn’t dreadfully boring, it’s actively trying to give you a headache. Little kids might get a kick out of it, but anyone older than ten will only find it obnoxious. But at the very least, it was more entertaining than ‘Gamera VS Guiron‘.
Low as that bar is.
I honestly have no idea what to expect for the last two movies of the Showa era. This series has been an absolute rollercoaster of quality so far! We’ll either get a boring slog or some premium kaiju fun! There is no in-between!
Guess that means there’s no point in worrying. All I can do is roll the dice and see what happens.
Is this what a gambling addiction feels like?
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