Archive, Daily Rant, Movie Review

ARCHIVE Day 86: So Low

Original Release: June 1st, 2018

Originally, I was gonna save the movie for it’s own individual post as I did with Deadpool 2. But I want to get this over with as quickly as possible, so I’m just making it the daily rant.

Last night, I went to see Solo: A Star Wars Story. Mostly because I was needed out of the house (for understandable reasons) but partially because I wanted to give it a chance. Spoiler alert.

That was a mistake.

My expectations were set lower than dinosaur bones and I was still disappointed. This movie failed in pretty much every regard, as there were only two scenes in which I wasn’t disinterested. I knew from the opening scene that this movie wasn’t going to get any better, and I wanted nothing more than to leave the theater and do something else with my time.

Of all the cast, only two characters didn’t suck: Donald Glover as Lando and Chewy. Everyone else is written in one of two ways: either over-the-top and annoying or gibberish.

Hate to break it to you, but the gibberish ones are the most likable.

Seriously, in both design (at least for the alien and droid characters) and personality, every character is way too much. Such as Han being written as a goofy, over-confident and ‘hilarious’ superhero. Yes, I said hero. Not anti-hero. But I won’t spoil how they fuck that up. Or Lando’s Droid who’s name I can’t bother to remember because she boils down to a single line of dialogue screamed as loud as you can: “SOCIAL COMMENTARY!!”

I assure you, it’s not helpful. It’s not funny. It’s not progressive. It’s just obnoxious.

The story is the most inoffensive thing about it. It’s a simple plot: steal a thing to get the job done and get a fat paycheck. It’s simple and easy to understand. If anything, it’s just kinda forgettable.

The dialogue, on the other hand, was awful. There was so much fan service in the dialogue that just came across as cringe worthy and painful. Such as Han’s “I have a really good feeling about this!” Put simply, any line of dialogue used in a previous Star Wars film is just flat out painful to listen to. It’s legit terrible.

The cinematography was also not fantastic. It was kind of flat and boring outside of the action sequences, when they were slightly more interesting and enjoyable. The same goes for the music: flat and boring most of the time, but it picks up when it needs to and steals the show.

Overall, this movie was… bad. I refuse to go into spoilers, because then I’d go into the final fanboy rage I’m capable of for this franchise.

I mentioned in a previous post that Solo was the last hope. Star Wars as a franchise was on thin ice for me after the Last Jedi. I said that Solo could either make or break the future of the franchise.

For me at least, it broke it.

I will not be making any more Star Wars focused content on my blog. I refuse to talk about this fucking franchise anymore. My peace has been spoken, at least as much as it could without spoilers.

Here’s the thing. If you like this movie, that’s fine. If you like the Last Jedi, that’s fine. If the new Disney Star Wars movies are affecting you or your kids the same way the Originals did for many people, myself included, great. I’m happy for you. But they don’t do that for me anymore. The amount of bad things in these movies far outweigh what I consider to be good. If they continue to make you happy, then I will gladly step out of your way because they no longer make me happy.

Star Wars used to be special to me. It was my childhood, and every few years I’d revisit the Originals to remember that they did make my childhood awesome. But now that there’s a new one coming out every single year, the magic of the franchise has been slaughtered. At least for me.

I know it won’t hurt Disney in any way, but I will no longer be supporting this series.

I am done.

3 thoughts on “ARCHIVE Day 86: So Low”

  1. I have a remedy: re-read A.C. Crispin’s Han Solo trilogy, then Brian Daley’s Han Solo Adventures, then Honor Among Thieves by James Core, then call me in the morning. I’m currently reading the infamous “Jedi Prince” kids novels right now and I’m having a blast.


    1. I’ve heard that all of those are good, but I think I’ll pass. The more time passes, the more I realize that Star Wars just isn’t for me anymore. I’m simply going to step aside and let the people who do still enjoy it have their fun. Frankly, the best thing I can do right now is just stop talking about it, because doing so doesn’t seem to be fun for either the people reading or for myself.
      Glad you’re enjoying the books though. It makes me happy knowing that people still read those, Star Wars related or not.


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